I feel like I haven't been able to keep up lately (especially here in this Instagram world for us mama's). It's a busy time of year!
Between being a full time #SAHM, getting things ready for my small business that resumes in the school year, getting ready to #homeschool my oldest for our first year of Kindergarten, possibly lining up another little side-gig, AND, not to mention, being pregnant after stillbirth... it can be hard to balance it all. I almost thought maybe I've been neglecting Maisie... but as I reflect back on my busy past week I realize that's not true. I think of her just as much as usual, Maisie is still present in most all my thoughts and moments. I still stopped by her grave on the way to a playdate with another dead baby mama, I still got to talk about her over coffee with a new homeschool mom friend, I still got to mention Maisie to our mentor for schooling. (I still got to hear the words "fetal demise" at the MFM doctor.😒) So while at first I was tempted to feel I haven't found time for my grief in this period of life... I realized it is still very much present and I don't ever have to worry about (even in my busiest times) Maisie ever being too far from my mind.
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My thought of the day...
I make a photo book each year for my kids to highlight & display the pictures of their first year, second year, & so on. My kids like to pull them out to look at them and I was just sitting with Lachlan looking at his baby one. And it is really still so dang hard for me to see pictures of Isla and Lachlan as newborns. It makes me sad. It makes me sad I don't have any pictures like this of Maisie. It makes me sad that Maisie wasn't alive as a newborn. So I typically just avoid the newborn pix and memories. But every so often I am confronted with them and at this point in my life, it just breaks my heart. And it breaks my heart again that it is hard for me to see pictures of my beautiful living children when they were born. Not the best exchange with my husband, but not the worst either.
I was showing him something last night and asked if I could get it. It was something "for" Maisie. He said, "Don't you have enough stuff?" "I will never have enough." I said back blankly. How could I ever have enough for Maisie? I don't get to buy her anything for her life... food, soap, clothes, toys, etc. The few keepsakes and memories here and there is nowhere near sufficient. But we have to make do... And to be honest... I don't have that much stuff as this conversation would allude to. And 95% of what we have has been things that have been gifted. But boys and girls are different. Men and women are different. Husbands and wives are different. Fathers and mothers are different. And this exchange just captured one of the moments where we were different in how we approach life after Maisie. Getting pregnant again 4mos postpartum is no joke. Especially when it is stillbirth postpartum. (Is that the correct way to describe it?)
My mom snapped this photo of me last weekend just after I turned 16wks... I'm bumping wayyy earlier than all my previous pregnancies, which took until about 20wks to have a noticiable baby bump. Yes, this is my 4th pregnancy too, but knowing me and my body, I think it's more the fact that I only had 4 months of recovery (in which I was mourning). Don't get me wrong, I'm loving having a bump to announce to the world that I AM PREGNANT. While simultaneously hoping and dreading this pronounced bump will bring me a question that allows me to talk about Maisie. Mostly hoping though, since I want to share Maisie with everyone and raise awareness of stillbirth at the same time. Also, aside from the bump... I feel I have had no respite. I was pregnant for 7 weeks April/May 2020 and then miscarried. I got pregnant again 2 weeks after with Maisie and was pregnant with her from June-December 2020. Then she died and I basically cried for the next 4 months and got pregnant again in April 2021. Like for realllll... I'm beat, I'm exhausted, I'm frustrated, I'm confused, I'm a little angry... I'm pissed I have to deal with lockdown scares, things not making sense, and freedoms infringed upon.The world has been falling apart for over a year and I've been pregnant basically this whole time!! It is a lot and I have been feeling very overwhelmed. I thank God for the peace He has blessed me with, but still... I am only human. My first photo with all 4 of my kids (at the beach last week).
Well, kinda. Isla and Lachlan are a bit obvious. My Maisie tattoo is photobombing. And a little baby bump is starting to sprout. When I see this picture I see all of my kids, even though I know technically Maisie is not here. I love that she is still included in a way. I’ve often read in books the concept and practice of “mourning clothes” back in the day. Those who lost a loved one were expected to dress in black for an extended period of time to signify to others they were in a period of mourning. While I can’t claim to know all the rules and nuances of this practice, I have had many a time where I wished this was actually still a thing in today’s society. Why shouldn’t people know I was in mourning when I filled up my car with gas, ran an errand, attended a gathering? At times it only felt right people should give me and my family a little extra care or sympathy. I want and need everyone to know that Maisie died because I need them to acknowledge that she lived. Mourning clothes seems like a pretty good option for bridging the gap that exists in people’s knowledge of my situation. For those of us who enjoy the opportunities to talk about our loved one, this would also open a door for regrets and sympathies to be shared while we shared the story of our child.
Does anything else think some sort of wearable item should be available to wear by choice for those of us in mourning to signify our loss? I think this may be one of the aims of many of the adorable shops created by mama’s in this community. I’ve seen plenty of designs for stickers… shirts… jewelry. It’s out there! You can find it! But it’s not the societal norm, and there isn’t a standard that every passerby will recognize. So couldn’t my clothes tell the story for me at least. Black on black on black, with maybe a strand of the baby blue & pink to signify infant loss. I always prayed my baby would grow big and strong and be born healthy. You know, with all their fingers and toes, all their organs functioning, 2 eyes, a cute little button nose, etc. That was it. That seemed good enough, right? What more could you ask for? Maybe an extra prayer here and there for my own safety as mother too.
After Maisie I felt like such a failure in my lack of knowledge and what else I should have been praying for. I didn’t know I had to pray for my baby’s safety in the womb. I didn’t know the womb was a dangerous place to be. I didn’t know anything could change after seeing everything check out perfect in the 20 week ultrasound. I didn’t know I had to pray for my baby to be born alive. Tell me you've felt unseen without telling me you've felt unseen. #TheTellMeChallenge
𝙒𝙝𝙮 𝙞𝙨𝙣'𝙩 𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙡𝙡𝙗𝙞𝙧𝙩𝙝 𝙞𝙣𝙘𝙡𝙪𝙙𝙚𝙙 𝙖𝙨 𝙖𝙣 𝙤𝙥𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣? You can bet I wrote it in & included a note asking why this form didn't include that. And of course I included all of her details in the chart. But is it really that hard to add Stillbirth as an option in the list of other terms? Not a rainbow. Not a replacement. Not a reincarnation. Not a redo. Not a repair.
Their own person. Their own life. Their own love. Their own story. This isn’t a fix. This isn’t a bandaid. This isn’t a happy ending to a sad story. Our loss will be with us forever. Of course we are happy to be pregnant again. Yes, you should be thrilled along with us after what we had to go through. But this does not diminish our pain of losing Maisie in any way. This doesn’t change the fact that Maisie should be here with us. This doesn’t make her death any less poignant. Isla, Lachlan, Maisie, this baby… all have chapters in our novel of life, all equally important, even if some of the characters have longer stories and more chapters. This is my follow up to our pregnancy announcement… I very deliberately didn’t including any wording in the announcement to make this new life seem contingent on Maisie’s death. I want to be able to show this child their pregnancy announcement without them thinking, “Well, maybe I am only here because Maisie died.” It can be hard for me to separate right now because technically I shouldn’t be pregnant right now if Maisie was alive. I should be taking care of a 5 month old baby instead. But we are so gracious for this gift from God. Even though it is bittersweet. We know ALL babies are miracles. And though part of me thinks it would be cute to say you were handpicked by your sister in heaven. God always had you ready for us child. And we are ready for you. 𝘉𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘵: 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘵 𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘣𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘵
𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 : 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘥 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘴𝘢𝘥𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘉𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳: 𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘺 𝘰𝘳 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘴𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯, 𝘨𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘧, 𝘰𝘳 𝘳𝘦𝘨𝘳𝘦𝘵 𝘚𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘵: 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘳 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 This is a good word to add to your repertoire of life after stillbirth (or loss). Thinking about my pregnancy with Maisie… bittersweet. My memories with Maisie after she was born… bittersweet. My pictures with Maisie… bittersweet. Life in general after Maisie… bittersweet. Pregnancy after stillbirth… bittersweet. So bittersweet… I shouldn’t be pregnant right now, I should be taking care of a nearly 5 month old. I shouldn’t be spending another summer nauseous and not enjoying food. Yet here I am again with a literal & figurative bad taste in my mouth. It’s hard to express the bittersweetness that comes along with pregnancy after loss, because I don’t ever want to come across as ungrateful, or spiteful, or unhappy. But as much as I want to be pregnant right now, I don’t want to be… because I didn’t want this reality - the one where my baby died and I am forced to “try again”. The one where I am trying to make my family complete, but it will no longer ever be entirely complete. Bittersweet… It’s all so bittersweet. 𝙾𝚞𝚛 𝚏𝚊𝚖𝚒𝚕𝚢 𝚒𝚜 𝚐𝚛𝚘𝚠𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚋𝚢 𝚝𝚠𝚘 𝚑𝚘𝚙𝚎𝚏𝚞𝚕 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚝.
𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚢 #𝟺 𝚍𝚞𝚎 𝙹𝚊𝚗𝚞𝚊𝚛𝚢 𝟸𝟶𝟸𝟸. 𝙵𝚘𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚌𝚑𝚒𝚕𝚍 𝚠𝚎 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚙𝚛𝚊𝚢𝚎𝚍, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝙶𝚘𝚍 𝚐𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚛𝚎𝚚𝚞𝚎𝚜𝚝. 𝚆𝚎 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚔𝚏𝚞𝚕 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚜𝚠𝚒𝚏𝚝 𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚙𝚘𝚗𝚜𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝙷𝚒𝚜 𝚐𝚛𝚊𝚌𝚒𝚘𝚞𝚜 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚟𝚒𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗. 𝚆𝚎 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚎𝚡𝚌𝚒𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚎𝚎𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚜𝚘𝚞𝚕 𝚑𝚎 𝚑𝚊𝚜 𝚜𝚎𝚝 𝚊𝚙𝚊𝚛𝚝 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚏𝚊𝚖𝚒𝚕𝚢. 𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝚠𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚞𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚙𝚛𝚊𝚢 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚋𝚊𝚋𝚢 𝚒𝚜 𝚐𝚛𝚘𝚠𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚋𝚎 𝚋𝚘𝚛𝚗 𝚝𝚘 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚊𝚛𝚖𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚑𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚏𝚊𝚖𝚒𝚕𝚢. I received this message a few days ago from a girl I knew from school, all the way back to 5th grade. This was the most amazing message I could have ever hoped to receive. Maisie and I have achieved a goal of mine to save a baby’s life through our sharing and spreading awareness about stillbirth/baby movements/Maisie’s story. I don’t want anyone else to have to experience losing their baby. And by talking and sharing and spreading awareness, change happens.
First life we helped to save. ✅ That Maisie could leave such an impact on earth, even though she isn’t here. Through death, she is helping to save lives… merely 7 months after the fact. This truly blows me away. All glory to God. “Hi Chelsie, thanks for following “baby’s” story! I wanted to reach out and let you know I may have you to thank that I get to hold him in my arms. Hopefully this is ok to share with you. I’ve been following along with your beautiful Maisie posts and story since you started sharing about it on Facebook. My heart just going out to you. Because of you speaking out about it, I was hyper aware and cautious of “baby’s” movements. I stopped feeling “baby” move for 2 hours, and instantly took action even though I felt a little crazy and over cautious. We went right to the hospital and after 5 minutes of monitoring his heart beat dropped dangerously low. It happened about 5 more times and then we rushed to csection. They don’t think it was the cord and are still unsure what was happening but I’m not sure I would have gone in so quickly had it not been for your brave posts. Sending you so much gratitude for your strength and love and thinking of your Maisie.♥️” [Personal information removed for privacy.] My firstborn, my oldest daughter, my mini-me Isla June turned 5 last week. 5 seems like such a big milestone for a kid! It was a whirlwind celebrating her on June 23rd, while also secretly preparing for a surprise party for her on Saturday! We pulled off the surprise successfully, despite the rainy day we ended up with (which we definitely needed here in MN). Isla loves to play surprise birthday at home, so we decided to actually do a real surprise party for her this year.
As things wound down again this week, I had time to reflect back on my first baby turning 5. How was I feeling about this? Fine, overall, I guess. I love getting to see her grow up, learn, mature, etc. It seems crazy a full 5 years have passed since I experienced the birth of my first child. And since then I have given birth to 2 more. So this week I was hit with the realization that I didn't get to have all my kids in under 5 years. Instead of being almost 5 years older than her youngest sibling (which is how it should have been with Maisie), now she will be a solid 5+ years older than the next sibling. At least she has Lachlan in between, pretty much exactly 2.5 years younger than her, bridging the age gap I used to care so much about when creating my family. While it is still something I notice, it is something I've gotten over... just knowing there is much more importance on having family, rather than the timing of it all. So happy 1 week of being 5 my darling Isla June. I wish Maisie could have been here to help you celebrate too. This is how I told my husband last week that someone's baby was born.
"So and so had their baby... it's alive." Just one of the new ways I speak and thing after losing Maisie. Do you catch yourself saying things differently now after your experience? My husband was so sweet, and got me flowers last Friday. I asked if they were for me and he said, "Yeah, you had a hard day yesterday." This was the day after Maisie's gravestone got put in, and he knew I was emotional.
Now, I've honestly never been a big fan of flowers. I didn't even have any live flowers at my wedding if that tells you anything (we had cool burlap fake flower bouquets). But I will also admit, after being inundated with flowers after Maisie died... they do hold a more special place in my heart. So I felt really special, and loved, and happy when my husband brought me home this sweet surprise. That was so nice that he was thinking of me and that he recognized my emotions. And it is a hibiscus plant, which should stay alive year round and bloom yearly! (I just hope I don't kill it.) I don’t love the term "angel" associated to dead babies. I know Maisie isn’t an angel. Humans don’t become angels when they die. Maisie didn’t ‘gain her wings’…
(Let me point out, if anyone has ever used this term with me… it didn’t upset me, or I didn’t add you to some “list” of who has said angel.) But… Angels are angels. People are people. God created them each, separately. I specifically didn’t chose any angel imagery to put on her gravestone… there were plenty of options of little kids or babies with wings on their backs. But I don’t picture Maisie up in heaven magically transformed into a different being, with white wings, flying before she ever even walked. Now if you are calling her a little angel because you’re saying she was beautiful and pure, I can maybe get behind that cute little pet name descriptive. But I shy away from anything that refers to Maisie as an “Angel Baby”. Even though there is a lot of cute stuff out there I wish I could get (shirts, stickers, keychains, etc.) What terminology do you like best to refer to your baby? I’m still trying to find the one I like best. I think I have seen a couple I liked… and then forgot to write them down, so of course I then forgot them completely. (Oh, and she is also definitely not an angle.) 📐🤣 Happy Father's Day to Maisie's dada, and my husband Ryan.
He really did such a great job throughout the entire process of everything that happened with Maisie. He supported me, he pushed himself to do things he maybe wasn't comfortable with in the moment, he showed his emotion, he grieved, and he helped make decisions for what needed to be done. And he continues to provide for our family, support us, and be a Father to Isla and Lachlan. A special shout out today to all the Dad's who have a child in heaven. I keep finding myself opening up to the picture of Maisie's gravestone on my phone. I just keep staring at it in awe, admiration, sadness, longing & wonder.
And I keep finding myself saying, "Born in heaven." The words along the bottom of her gravestone. Born in heaven. How blessed actually is Maisie, to have forgone living (outside the womb) in this world of sin and pain. She got to be born straight to heaven. She is lucky. We're just sad we didn't get more time with her here I felt a little bit like a kid on Christmas morning today... knowing Maisie’s gravestone was going to be put in.
I would have camped out all day to have caught the action, but it ended up getting put in while we were at VBS this morning. I did a drive by on the way home, and saw it had been placed. However, Ryan and I agreed we wanted to go see it together, so the kids and I waited until he got home... then we literally left the minute he got home. Like a kid waiting for their parents to wake up Christmas morning... I had to exercise my patience this afternoon. So we went. And we saw it. And it looked even better in person than it had on screen. And I was so happy. But I was so sad. It was good to see, but it was tough. It felt like another moment of finality. As much as I was looking forward to this, and wanted this official gravestone... I missed the fresh mound of dirt, the temporary marker, the newness of it all. Now it doesn’t seem as much like it just happened. But didn’t it just happened? Time keeps ticking, putting distance between me and my Maisie. But as someone reminded me this week... at the same time also bringing me closer to our reunion in heaven. So as excited as I was, like a kid on Christmas morning, it was also the kind of gift that made you cry.... because of the sentiment, because of the meaning, because of the circumstances. Yet it really felt good to finally get another good cry out. ~~~~ Last Thursday Maisie’s headstone was installed. I had been looking forward to this day ever since we locked down the design & ordered early April. I wanted to camp out at the cemetery all day to see it get put in, but we were at VBS when it ended up getting installed. That was good though because then Ryan and I decided to go see it for the first time together as a family. I anxiously waited all day for him to get home so we could go, almost as excited as a kid on Christmas morning. However, seeing it was a big old bag of mixed emotions. I was happy it was there. But I was sad there was no longer a mound of fresh dirt - signifying this still seemingly “just” happened. It turned out even better than I expected. But I was distraught it even had to be made at all. I was glad of the size & presence of it. But noted all together with the concrete border it was bigger than Maisie’s casket. Upon first glance, I smiled to start... but after taking it all in I balled my eyes out. It was a lot. And it’s another closed page on the To-Do’s for Maisie’s short life. I had so many hopes and dreams for you my daughter... a beautiful gravestone wasn’t one of them. Maisie was buried right before our first snow for the season in MN. It literally came one or 2 days after we buried her. Which was nice because we didn’t have to trudge through or stand in snow at the interment. But what I came to find out once spring came and the snow melted is that there seemed to be erosion on her plot. There was nearly a 5 inch dip in the soil where she lay...
I patiently waited for the city to resume maintenance on the cemetery... hoping that would be part of their routine start up for the season. But I noticed it hadn’t been taken care of after the first few mows. So I jumped to action & emailed the person in charge. I had to follow up twice because each week I went back to check there was no change. Finally we stopped by again and it was fixed!! I felt so happy... she looked so much more safe and secure with a more level and filled area over her. And this should be the last week of her naked grave... headstone being delivered soon! |
AuthorMother. Jesus Lover. Mourner of my stillborn Maisie Martha Ofsthun. Archives
October 2021
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