“Hosanna to the Son of David! Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord! Hosanna in the highest heaven!” Happy Palm Sunday! 🌿 We brought our palm branches from church this morning to share with Maisie too. “You have prepared praise from the mouths of infants and nursing babies.”
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Isla & I went to the dentist yesterday. As my teeth were being cleaned, the hygienist asked me “Are you going to have any more kids?” I only had a second to answer... I mean I can’t really have a full conversation when tools & fingers are poking around in my mouth. So all I could quickly utter was, “Yes, we will have more.” And then my heart started beating faster, and my chest squeezed tight, and my smile around my eyes disappeared... she kept talking, but I drifted away. I didn’t mean to say that. What I should have said was we DID have another. We DO have another. I have 3 kids... but one you can’t see. I often grapple with what my “elevator pitch” will be when I get the question, “How many kids do you have?” or, “Are you going to have more?” so that I can concisely include ALL my children in my answer without fumbling to find the right words. Of course this wasn’t my perfect chance to practice because my teeth were in the midst of being cleaned... but such a seemingly simple question in life now holds SO much weight. At the same time I am also so convinced that what I said will hold true... we WILL have more. Not we hope, not if, or all that (which of course is true too). But I was proud looking back to be so sure to just say we will. Simply, we will.
Apparently March is PAL Awareness Month. The things you learn after you join this #worstclubever of #lifeafterstillbirth. PAL stands for Pregnancy After Loss.
While I am currently not pregnant after my loss of Maisie, I sure am praying to be blessed with another baby ASAP. All you mama's hoping for your PAL are in my prayers as well. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼 In honor of PAL Awareness Month... My #lachlanleonfosthun was a pregnancy after TWO early 7 week miscarriages. So buddy was my first PAL. By that time I had learned to not truly consider myself pregnant until I got past the 7 week mark. I was still hopeful, and excited, and taking my vitamins, and being careful. But for me I didn't count on baby sticking around until I got past that milestone for myself. Fun fact: Lachlan was conceived a mere 2 weeks after my 2nd miscarriage. My trick to a sticky bean wasn't waiting (like I tried after the first miscarriage.) You know who else was a #pregnancyafterloss? My little Maisie!! I know you can barely see a line here... but I was testing super early and there IS a faint line. Promise. I had my third early (7 week) miscarriage at the end of May over Memorial Day weekend for our first attempt at a baby after Lachlan. But I got pregnant again in my first ovulation after that miscarriage (like I said in my post yesterday - my trick to my sticky bean wasn't waiting!). So Maisie was a #stickybean... because she made it past my 7 week miscarriage mark. We got past the 12 week first trimester milestone. She was perfect at her 20 week ultrasound... But she had her umbilical cord accident in utero & died. (I still can't believe I have to say these words.) Maisie, I'm not sure what pregnancy after your loss will look like. Because stillbirth in the third trimester was way, way, way different than my early miscarriages. So I am scared for my Pregnancy After Stillbirth Loss because I know it will be stressful. But I am also so excited, so hopeful, and want that next step so bad. I hope all my fellow mama’s who have lost their baby have been able to see & feel the blessings from your community around you. Whether that is family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, etc. I can’t tell you how thankful I am for each & every person that has stepped up to do something, help, give a gift, or just sit down to talk with me about Maisie. I hope to highlight some of these treasured times as I go forward documenting this walk… because much of it occurred before or as I started blogging/social media. So I have some catching up to do. But I wanted to start with yesterday.
My #BSF Group Leader from 3 years ago asked to come over with some cookies (which are seriously some of the best) & a little gift. Mama Beth is the sweetest soul. The last time she was at my house was when she brought us a meal after Lachlan was born & she stayed to visit & meet our new little buddy. I was looking forward to seeing her, since BSF hasn’t been in person this year, our paths haven’t crossed in a while. So she came over & I was so happy she asked to come in for a bit, because I figured she would want to (so did I) & that is what I planned for! It was great to just sit on the couch & catch up on each others lives… we chatted about her daughter recently getting engaged & all the fun that comes along with that chapter of life. And of course I got to talk about Maisie. As she left she told me how she could already tell I was using Maisie’s life as a ministry. Ah, what a wonderful comment to receive. And, actually, what a good word! I am partial to anything M so I can alliterate with Maisie. And that was a word that hadn’t come to mind, but does accurately describe one of the byproducts of Maisie & how God is using this for good through me. Wow, I never thought I was cool enough for God to use me. And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:23 #maisiemarthaofsthun #stillbirth #stillbirthbreakthesilence #stillborn #stillbornstillloved #stillbirthawareness #stillbornawareness #stillamama #stillbirthsupport #pregnancyloss #umbilicalcordaccident #stillbornbutstillborn #bornstill #lifeafterstillbirth To be honest, most of our time in the hospital looked more like this. Not like our posed pictures where we pasted smiles on our faces. In case some of you were thinking… “Why were they smiling in pictures with Maisie?” I’ll let you in on a secret. I was kind of thinking the same thing. But you know what is weirder than smiling in a picture with your dead baby? Crying in or for a picture. I had to do a lot of things I didn’t want to do after I learned Maisie’s heart stopped beating. I didn’t ever want to have to take pictures with my child who was no longer alive, but I had to because I never got a picture with her when she was alive outside the womb. So I knew it would be important to have pictures with Maisie with smiles on our faces. Of course we were sad. Sad beyond belief. But for the sake of memories, which is what we are left with, we bucked up and smiled for pictures with our beautiful baby girl. We masked our pain for the time being, because we didn’t have time to wait for the pain to pass. In the grand scheme of things we had basically no time with Maisie. So we had to make do with the time we had. But you can bet your butt we used up all the tears we had in that time, and much more.
#maisiemarthaofsthun #stillbirth #stillbirthbreakthesilence #stillborn #stillbornstillloved #stillbirthawareness #stillbornawareness #stillamama #stillbirthsupport #pregnancyloss #umbilicalcordaccident #stillbornbutstillborn #bornstill #lifeafterstillbirth I hide from my grief by staying busy. Job titles include: Mother of 2 (wait, no, 3), Household Manager/Cleaner/Cook, Center Director/Teacher for Music Together MinnyMelody, etc. I keep busy. Especially when Monday morning rolls around and I kick the household back into gear after a weekend “off.” Breakfast, dishes, clean up the kitchen, shower, clean up my bedroom, start laundry, make lunch, eat lunch, lesson plan for my spring semester of music class, get my instruments together, switch laundry… and then after all that is completed I finally pause for the day. I stop. And I get stuck. And the grief hits me. “No, no, no… what else can I do to stay busy?!” But I can’t find the next thing to do because my body is so overwhelmed feeling the loss again. I freeze up. So then I look at a keepsake for Maisie… today, her funeral bulletin. And then the tears finally flow. But I am hiding across the house, trying to be quiet, so that my kids don’t see me break down.
At first I stayed super busy right after we lost Maisie. There was SO much to do. So, so, so much business, paperwork, updating people, responding to people, funeral planning, all while recovering from BIRTH! I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off… people who saw me or talked to me may have been thinking in the back of their mind, “Is Chelsie OK? She seems too OK for just having given birth to a dead baby.” Nope, I was definitely NOT OK. But being busy at that time felt like the only way I could “mother” Maisie. Anything I could do for my little baby was me just being her mother, taking care of her, taking care of her memory and legacy. Sit down and write her obituary to send to our funeral director. Got it! Oh, Pastor, you need this information from me for the funeral. Let me get it for you in 2 seconds. No, I don’t want your help taking down her table set up at the funeral… I just want to do it myself. On and on and on. And now, there is less and less to do to stay busy with Maisie specific stuff. I still definitely have items on my Maisie To Do list. And I still search for ways to remain busy. I honestly don’t think I’ve fully ever had a relaxing moment since she’s been gone. Even though I think I’ve done some “relaxing” things technically… I can guarantee you my mind was still buzzing like a busy bee. My life in general does keep me busy. (Remember all those job titles I listed above?) So I can’t help but to keep noticing, after a day or a morning of staying busy, I find myself in an odd, strange, bizarre mood once I wrap up my to do’s. And I’m pretty sure that icky feeling is the grief coming and smacking me back into the reality that is now my life. #maisiemarthaofsthun #stillbirth #stillbirthbreakthesilence #stillborn #stillbornstillloved #stillbirthawareness #stillbornawareness #stillamama #stillbirthsupport #pregnancyloss #umbilicalcordaccident #stillbornbutstillborn #bornstill Survival
Part of what makes this so hard is I heard Maisie’s heart beating at my 28 week appt. on Friday, December 4th, 2020. The same appointment where I also had to chug my glucose drink (during music class before). Everything was fine at this appointment. It was quick and easy… just checking the boxes off the list. I even remarked to my doctor, very proudly, how active my baby was. “Especially when I go to bed!” Who would have known that activity would cease, while she was still in my womb, less than a week later. Shortly after she turned 29 weeks on Wednesday, December 9, she passed away in utero (what day we don’t know exactly, possibly the 10th). I didn’t go in to get checked out until Sunday, December 13 after a few days of worrying, but convincing myself baby was just having some lazy days, or moved to a position I couldn’t feel. I mean, what could have been wrong? I didn’t realize it was a possibility for a baby to die when everything was perfect leading up to that point. Maisie was born 2 days before I would have been 30 weeks. And here is the thing: a baby born between 28-31 weeks has a 90-95% chance of survival. At 29 weeks pregnant, your baby weighs 2½ to 3 pounds and measures 15½ to 16 inches long. Maisie was 2lbs (yes, I have small babies) and 15½ inches. Maisie was perfect. She was tracking just as big as she should have been. But my super active Maisie somehow managed to wind her umbilical cord so tight (torsion) that it occluded, therefore cutting off her oxygen and lifeline. Maisie had an accident and died in the place I thought she was the safest in the world. And what if… what if we could have seen her umbilical cord had too many twists before it was too late? What if we had the possibility to deliver her and give her a chance at life? What if this was something they monitored more closely? I don’t care if it only happens in 5%-30% of stillbirths (which happen 1/160 births). If we can SAVE any single one of those babes, we SHOULD! I was gifted this beautiful @waltersbears by a friend who is part of Ryan's connections. Before I knew her, she too lost a baby. Her baby girl gone shortly after birth. We are now connected even more as we are both part of the worst club ever. I came home from FL to this surprise package and cried when I pulled out this precious bear.
My #walterbear weighs 2lbs, and I can say every time I pick her up I start to choke back tears. It is so special to hold something that weighs the same as little Maisie. And every time I am so shocked at how big Maisie was. 💕 https://waltersbears.com I took a lot of notes at the IF: Gathering I attended this last weekend. I was just reviewing them to see some of the takeaways I had. One takeaway was this… God is giving me favor with those who have lost a baby. How did I come to this conclusion? A speaker named Linda was talking about making disciples and she asked the question, “Who has God given you favor with?” Well, this answer clearly came to my mind. I have a connection now with all women who have had to walk the path of stillbirth. Maybe even a connection to those who have lost a child. Definitely with anyone who has experienced pregnancy loss. So this gives me hope for a plan and goal I have moving forward regarding stillbirth awareness and in turn how God has guided me through my grieving. I am so excited and hopeful. I have been prayerful to ask God, “God... if this idea is just from me - close the door. But God, if it's from you - continue to open the doors as I walk down this path.” So far, I haven’t heard any doors slam yet.
I reached out to a podcaster today... Here is what I wrote.
Hi, I came across your podcast as I was searching for a stillbirth podcast. Having listened to Stillbirth Matters with Dr. Jason Collins the other week as I was folding laundry... I thought I'd try to find another podcast for some more laundry folding today! I listened to your podcast (from 5+ years ago) with Amy Wright Glen. That seems to be your only episode specific to that topic. I also listened to your small miscarriage episode with your response to Chrissy Tiegan sharing her loss. That seem to be it in regards to the topic... which left me wanting more as a mom who has recently gone through the trauma of stillbirth. Especially since the accounts were of a secondhand nature, from those who haven't experienced this trauma firsthand. I realize stillbirth doesn't exactly coincide probably with your ultimate goal for your podcast. After all, the death of a baby goes against what everyone's birth goal is (thought most of the time it is completely out of our control). But as you are an influencer in this area - I wanted to reach out. Your podcast was a top hit when I searched stillbirth + podcast. I noticed your podcast submission form is closed right now... good job being booked! I still wanted to contact with this response in the meantime, since I feel this might be a topic you could reconsider and potentially add to your lineup. If that is the case, consider reaching out to me. I'd be more than willing to open up about my experience with the hopes of spreading awareness regarding this topic. You mentioned in your stillbirth podcast one family you knew went through this... was so in shock they didn’t spend time with the baby, only later on to look back on pictures the nurse took and were thankful to have that. I’m trying to spread awareness to maybe lessen that shock in our society a little bit. So people might have some tools in their back pocket should they face this terrible situation their selves. Or, maybe by hearing the story of someone who has had to go through this trial, someone in turn may be better equipped to support a friend or family member who walks this path. In your episode, Amy so wisely said "There is a silent shame." and "If we share the stories we normalize the pain." Can you help me share a story to start to break down the walls of the silent shame regarding stillbirth in this society? Chelsie Ofsthun @mama.to.maisiemartha www.maisiemartha.weebly.com I’m just sitting here finishing lunch with Isla (Lachlan’s already done). Here is our conversation... completely unprompted.
Isla: Mom, when are we going to get another baby? Me: You want another baby? Isla: Yea, cuz Maisie died. Me: Yeah... well I hope we can have another baby. Isla: Yeah, I want another girl. Wait no. I want a brother. Because then it will go girl, boy, girl, boy. We already have 2 girls, and only 1 boy. Me: So you want a brother? Isla: Yeah. Or maybe a brother and another sister. Maybe 4 kids and then the boys can sleep with dada and the girls can sleep with mama. #conversationsafterstillbirth#convoswithkids My #mollybearfor #maisiemarthaofsthun. She weighs 2lbs exactly like Maisie did. Love, love, love SO much! 💕💜💙💕
I highly recommend getting your own Molly Bear if you have experienced a loss as well. Their order only open on the 15th of every month. So mark your calendar and then visit: https://mollybears.org/order @mollybearsorg #stillbirth#stillbirthbreakthesilence #stillborn#stillbornstillloved #stillbirthawareness#stillbornawareness #stillamama#stillbirthsupport #pregnancyloss#umbilicalcordaccident#stillbornbutstillborn #bornstill March 3, 2021
11 weeks 2 days That is how long after birth it took for my body to regulate itself back to - “You’re not pregnant anymore! Nor are you nursing a newborn.” Never in my life have I wanted my period so bad. “Come on body - lets get the ball rolling,” I had been yelling in my mind for months! I wanted to be back to my regular cycle so that I could have the chance to try to get pregnant again. You need to ovulate to get pregnant. And that wasn’t happening as soon as I wanted. But now I know it has, and I hope that my body continues to synchronize a regular cycle so that my forthcoming attempts are yielding. As excited as I was for this long awaited return of Aunt Flo… there was a twinge of disappointment that previous efforts to maybe get pregnant before my period even returned were not fruitful. But I wasn’t betting on that outcome. So overall, much joy that I finally made it to this day. So now I can go ahead and try to get pregnant again right away - right? Wrong… Another frustrating piece is the timing of this return… I am now into March when my next ovulation would be set to occur. Getting pregnant in March means a December baby. I already have 2 December babies. Lachlan’s birthday the day after Christmas is already stressful enough. And now I have a “birthday” to mourn every year for Maisie. I am not wanting to add another life event in that month because it’s from here on out going to be a very emotionally draining and busy month each year for the rest of my life. I even think I need to avoid an early January due date in case I go too early and end up with another late December birthday. But then on the other hand I think about how bad I want to have 3 living children… should I put so much significance and pressure on the month that baby is born? On the proximity to Maisie’s death/birth/funeral? And then I also remember, it’s not quite up to me. I can plan all I want to plan, but ultimately I know God’s plan will prevail. And I yield to His will. See how nothing is easy anymore? #maisiemarthaofsthun #stillbirth #stillbirthbreakthesilence #stillborn #stillbornstillloved #stillbirthawareness #stillbornawareness #stillamama #stillbirthsupport #pregnancyloss #umbilicalcordaccident #stillbornbutstillborn #bornstill Busy, busy birthday yesterday here in Fort Myers. Took a bike ride with Ryan in the morning. Went kayaking in the afternoon. Went out to dinner in the evening. Blessed to be down here with my parents and my own little family. Even though I’m 31 now and had goals to be done having kids at 30... I now realize that was but a trivial wish and plan on my part... and I’m so happy to have Isla & Lachlan here, and Maisie in heaven. Though I thought I’d have a newborn in my arms on my 31st birthday, I have hope to someday a have a third child here with us on earth for a while too. #31
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AuthorMother. Jesus Lover. Mourner of my stillborn Maisie Martha Ofsthun. Archives
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