My first photo with all 4 of my kids (at the beach last week).
Well, kinda. Isla and Lachlan are a bit obvious. My Maisie tattoo is photobombing. And a little baby bump is starting to sprout. When I see this picture I see all of my kids, even though I know technically Maisie is not here. I love that she is still included in a way.
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I’ve often read in books the concept and practice of “mourning clothes” back in the day. Those who lost a loved one were expected to dress in black for an extended period of time to signify to others they were in a period of mourning. While I can’t claim to know all the rules and nuances of this practice, I have had many a time where I wished this was actually still a thing in today’s society. Why shouldn’t people know I was in mourning when I filled up my car with gas, ran an errand, attended a gathering? At times it only felt right people should give me and my family a little extra care or sympathy. I want and need everyone to know that Maisie died because I need them to acknowledge that she lived. Mourning clothes seems like a pretty good option for bridging the gap that exists in people’s knowledge of my situation. For those of us who enjoy the opportunities to talk about our loved one, this would also open a door for regrets and sympathies to be shared while we shared the story of our child.
Does anything else think some sort of wearable item should be available to wear by choice for those of us in mourning to signify our loss? I think this may be one of the aims of many of the adorable shops created by mama’s in this community. I’ve seen plenty of designs for stickers… shirts… jewelry. It’s out there! You can find it! But it’s not the societal norm, and there isn’t a standard that every passerby will recognize. So couldn’t my clothes tell the story for me at least. Black on black on black, with maybe a strand of the baby blue & pink to signify infant loss. I always prayed my baby would grow big and strong and be born healthy. You know, with all their fingers and toes, all their organs functioning, 2 eyes, a cute little button nose, etc. That was it. That seemed good enough, right? What more could you ask for? Maybe an extra prayer here and there for my own safety as mother too.
After Maisie I felt like such a failure in my lack of knowledge and what else I should have been praying for. I didn’t know I had to pray for my baby’s safety in the womb. I didn’t know the womb was a dangerous place to be. I didn’t know anything could change after seeing everything check out perfect in the 20 week ultrasound. I didn’t know I had to pray for my baby to be born alive. Tell me you've felt unseen without telling me you've felt unseen. #TheTellMeChallenge
𝙒𝙝𝙮 𝙞𝙨𝙣'𝙩 𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙡𝙡𝙗𝙞𝙧𝙩𝙝 𝙞𝙣𝙘𝙡𝙪𝙙𝙚𝙙 𝙖𝙨 𝙖𝙣 𝙤𝙥𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣? You can bet I wrote it in & included a note asking why this form didn't include that. And of course I included all of her details in the chart. But is it really that hard to add Stillbirth as an option in the list of other terms? Not a rainbow. Not a replacement. Not a reincarnation. Not a redo. Not a repair.
Their own person. Their own life. Their own love. Their own story. This isn’t a fix. This isn’t a bandaid. This isn’t a happy ending to a sad story. Our loss will be with us forever. Of course we are happy to be pregnant again. Yes, you should be thrilled along with us after what we had to go through. But this does not diminish our pain of losing Maisie in any way. This doesn’t change the fact that Maisie should be here with us. This doesn’t make her death any less poignant. Isla, Lachlan, Maisie, this baby… all have chapters in our novel of life, all equally important, even if some of the characters have longer stories and more chapters. This is my follow up to our pregnancy announcement… I very deliberately didn’t including any wording in the announcement to make this new life seem contingent on Maisie’s death. I want to be able to show this child their pregnancy announcement without them thinking, “Well, maybe I am only here because Maisie died.” It can be hard for me to separate right now because technically I shouldn’t be pregnant right now if Maisie was alive. I should be taking care of a 5 month old baby instead. But we are so gracious for this gift from God. Even though it is bittersweet. We know ALL babies are miracles. And though part of me thinks it would be cute to say you were handpicked by your sister in heaven. God always had you ready for us child. And we are ready for you. 𝘉𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘵: 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘵 𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘣𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘵
𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 : 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘥 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘴𝘢𝘥𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘉𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳: 𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘺 𝘰𝘳 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘴𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯, 𝘨𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘧, 𝘰𝘳 𝘳𝘦𝘨𝘳𝘦𝘵 𝘚𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘵: 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘳 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 This is a good word to add to your repertoire of life after stillbirth (or loss). Thinking about my pregnancy with Maisie… bittersweet. My memories with Maisie after she was born… bittersweet. My pictures with Maisie… bittersweet. Life in general after Maisie… bittersweet. Pregnancy after stillbirth… bittersweet. So bittersweet… I shouldn’t be pregnant right now, I should be taking care of a nearly 5 month old. I shouldn’t be spending another summer nauseous and not enjoying food. Yet here I am again with a literal & figurative bad taste in my mouth. It’s hard to express the bittersweetness that comes along with pregnancy after loss, because I don’t ever want to come across as ungrateful, or spiteful, or unhappy. But as much as I want to be pregnant right now, I don’t want to be… because I didn’t want this reality - the one where my baby died and I am forced to “try again”. The one where I am trying to make my family complete, but it will no longer ever be entirely complete. Bittersweet… It’s all so bittersweet. 𝙾𝚞𝚛 𝚏𝚊𝚖𝚒𝚕𝚢 𝚒𝚜 𝚐𝚛𝚘𝚠𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚋𝚢 𝚝𝚠𝚘 𝚑𝚘𝚙𝚎𝚏𝚞𝚕 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚝.
𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚢 #𝟺 𝚍𝚞𝚎 𝙹𝚊𝚗𝚞𝚊𝚛𝚢 𝟸𝟶𝟸𝟸. 𝙵𝚘𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚌𝚑𝚒𝚕𝚍 𝚠𝚎 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚙𝚛𝚊𝚢𝚎𝚍, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝙶𝚘𝚍 𝚐𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚛𝚎𝚚𝚞𝚎𝚜𝚝. 𝚆𝚎 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚔𝚏𝚞𝚕 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚜𝚠𝚒𝚏𝚝 𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚙𝚘𝚗𝚜𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝙷𝚒𝚜 𝚐𝚛𝚊𝚌𝚒𝚘𝚞𝚜 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚟𝚒𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗. 𝚆𝚎 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚎𝚡𝚌𝚒𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚎𝚎𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚜𝚘𝚞𝚕 𝚑𝚎 𝚑𝚊𝚜 𝚜𝚎𝚝 𝚊𝚙𝚊𝚛𝚝 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚏𝚊𝚖𝚒𝚕𝚢. 𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝚠𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚞𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚙𝚛𝚊𝚢 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚋𝚊𝚋𝚢 𝚒𝚜 𝚐𝚛𝚘𝚠𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚋𝚎 𝚋𝚘𝚛𝚗 𝚝𝚘 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚊𝚛𝚖𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚑𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚏𝚊𝚖𝚒𝚕𝚢. I received this message a few days ago from a girl I knew from school, all the way back to 5th grade. This was the most amazing message I could have ever hoped to receive. Maisie and I have achieved a goal of mine to save a baby’s life through our sharing and spreading awareness about stillbirth/baby movements/Maisie’s story. I don’t want anyone else to have to experience losing their baby. And by talking and sharing and spreading awareness, change happens.
First life we helped to save. ✅ That Maisie could leave such an impact on earth, even though she isn’t here. Through death, she is helping to save lives… merely 7 months after the fact. This truly blows me away. All glory to God. “Hi Chelsie, thanks for following “baby’s” story! I wanted to reach out and let you know I may have you to thank that I get to hold him in my arms. Hopefully this is ok to share with you. I’ve been following along with your beautiful Maisie posts and story since you started sharing about it on Facebook. My heart just going out to you. Because of you speaking out about it, I was hyper aware and cautious of “baby’s” movements. I stopped feeling “baby” move for 2 hours, and instantly took action even though I felt a little crazy and over cautious. We went right to the hospital and after 5 minutes of monitoring his heart beat dropped dangerously low. It happened about 5 more times and then we rushed to csection. They don’t think it was the cord and are still unsure what was happening but I’m not sure I would have gone in so quickly had it not been for your brave posts. Sending you so much gratitude for your strength and love and thinking of your Maisie.♥️” [Personal information removed for privacy.] |
AuthorMother. Jesus Lover. Mourner of my stillborn Maisie Martha Ofsthun. Archives
October 2021
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