I am on vacation in Florida where that weather is warm and the sun is shining. Am I enjoying it? Yes. Is there a part of me feeling bad for enjoying it? Yes. Do I look back on my smiling pictures and think that seems kind of weird? Yes. Do I wish I couldn’t be here right now because I should have been having a baby instead? Absolutely million percent.
It’s a 2 week getaway... because we are at my parents house so the stay is free... & we wanted to get the most out of our time here. But I’ve been a bit homesick. I want to get back home to my mourning & dealing & thinking & processing. It’s still so fresh. It’s still not even been 3 months (more like 2 when we got here and about 2.5 months when we go back). I don’t want to have “normal” days yet. I miss Maisie so bad, though I know I have to “consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” Romans 8:18 But is it wrong to feel I should still be suffering?
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Finished out the day watching the sunset. Posting pics in reverse order... because these colors after the sunset were the prettiest. And is it just me... or are the colors not pink/purple/blue? For Maisie. (Weebly won't let me post the pics... so check them out on Facebook or Instagram!)
I was supposed to having a c-section right now. February 18, 2021 - 8am. See, here is even a screenshot showing my surgery got scheduled. Why was I having a scheduled c-section? Well because Isla ended up as an emergency c-section. After 9 hours of labor I started swelling instead of continuing to dilate, and I ended up with a fever. Thus, off to the surgery room we went. I attempted VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) with Lachlan. After 36 hours of labor, I again started swelling. They said given my history, and the length of my labor so far, it was probably time to call it and again head to surgery. So, this third time around we needed to just schedule the inevitable. I felt so weird about “picking” my child’s birthday. That is a pretty big thing to just choose. Baby’s due date was February 24, 2021 (my birthday is February 23rd!). Since I was 3 days early with Lachlan, they wanted to schedule something during Week 39 to avoid me going into labor first. I opted to not share a birthday with baby - I wished for the baby to have their own special day. I wanted the 20th because then Baby #3 would have been the 20th, Isla is June 23rd, and Lachlan is December 26th. I could keep track of birthdays easily just counting by 3’s to remember the days… 20, 23, 26. But February 20, 2021 is a Saturday and you can’t schedule a surgery on a Saturday. So ultimately we picked Thursday, February 18, 2021 because Ryans birthday is also on the 18th (of May). Plus, a Thursday meant Ryan wouldn’t have to take more time off of work since we’d be getting an extra weekend in there to start.
Unfortunately, we didn’t make it to this scheduled day. And I will never again have any qualms about having to pick a birthday (God willing). Instead I will only ever have prayers for baby to be born alive on whatever selected date it may be. p.s. Why do I refer to Maisie as baby in these types of post. Because we didn’t know she was a she yet! She was still just “baby” when all this planning was occurring. Since we are in FL, Ryan and I took this day to leave the kids with Mimi & Papa and head to the beach to be together. Life doesn’t slow down when you have two kids to keep taking care of. So it has been nice to actually take time to do something with and for ourselves... and to set aside some time to think of Maisie on this day we should have met her, heard her cry, saw her breathe, watched her blink, and looked at her moving her little newborn body.
Thank you so much to everybody who reached out to us today (or earlier this week). It really meant a lot to hear from each and every one of you. Loves to all from Ryan, Chelsie, Isla, Lachlan, & Maisie. Tomorrow I should be posting about my newborn baby. Tomorrow we would have been surprised to hear, "It's a girl!" and finally meet Maisie (if that's for sure the name we agreed was fitting for her after meeting her). Tomorrow I would have been waking up well before 6am to get to the hospital in prep for surgery. Tomorrow I was supposed to be "completing" my family. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow... I was so excited for tomorrow.
I’m headed to Florida today. Most people would think - yay, vacation! Yes. But no. I would trade all the vacations in the world for circumstances to be changed. I shouldn’t be able to be going to Florida right now. I should be prepping to have a baby in TWO days. My life took an unexpected and nasty turn. So while I wish I wasn’t on this vacation, of course I am still going to enjoy it. I am going to soak up the sun. I am going to be with my parents. I am going to swim in the pool with Isla and Lachlan. I’m going to go on many walks just to enjoy the outdoors. I’m going to take some time to be with just Ryan and go to the beach to remember you on the day you were supposed to be born. I am thankful to be able to be here. But being here also brings a heavy sadness, as this is not where I should be if Maisie was still living.
Maisie, I wish so badly you WERE still living. Maisie I was SO excited to meet you. Maisie, Mimi & Papa were supposed to be flying to MN to hang out with Isla and Lachlan and then meet you. But instead we are flying to FL without you. I wanted so badly to bring you to FL the following year once you had a better hold of life here on earth. But Maisie, guess what - you did go to FL in November with us & Ryan’s side of the family. You were busy kicking around in Mama during that time and you probably enjoyed the change of weather and more activity. I even made sure to stay out of the hot tub to keep you safe. I didn’t indulge in any alcoholic beverages with everyone else. I flaunted my baby bump in two piece swimsuits so I wouldn’t stretch out any one-pieces. We had fun there with you. But I know you are somewhere infinitely better than just silly old Florida. I can’t wait to explore heaven with you. You can show me around to your all your favorite spots. But save some exploration for me. I want to scout out some new spots with you when I get there too. #birthweek I wonder what I would be doing today if you hadn’t already gone. Only 3 more days until we were meant to meet you. I know I’d be super, super excited. I think I’d be a little nervous too for the scheduled c-section. I would have my hospital bag packed and ready to go. Probably a diaper bag ready for you too. Your car seat would be installed, ready to take you home. I’d have the infant boy and girl clothes out of storage - ready for either outcome after we’d be surprised by your gender. I would be talking up your arrival to your big brother and sister!! Hopefully Lachlan would have been sleeping through the night on his own now so mama could turn her focus to the infant waking/feeding/changing that was to come.
Everything has changed in so many ways since December 13, 2020 when we found out you were gone. Every step we have walked since has been completely different than the steps we were planning to take. This time, this year, this week, right now is HARD!! So. Very. Hard. I don’t know what to do. Except to simply be sad and think about you. 💕 Two months since you've been gone.
💖 Your first Valentine's Day in heaven. 💞 Our first Valentine's Day missing you. 💓 Sending you all the love in the world, though you're already enveloped in the best love of all - the love of Jesus. Ok, not the most flattering photo. I know. It's my belly when it was pregnant FYI. As I was putting Lachlan down to sleep Friday afternoon, I was trying to scroll through my phone to see if I had any pictures of me pregnant with Maisie in one of the last days she was alive. Friends, I did not document this pregnancy anywhere near as closely as I did with Isla or Lachlan. This was my 3rd time around the block, I was busy taking care of 2 kids at home, and I don't get may opportunities to take pictures OF myself. This photo was taken Monday, December 7th at 3:31PM. Maisie passed later that week. It's quite literally 1 of 3 or 4 pictures I even have of my belly bump. I wish I could tell you exactly what I was thinking when I took this picture. All I can recall is that she was moving a lot as I must have been sitting on the couch relaxing during nap/quiet time. I think I thought my belly button looked silly as she was putting a lot of pressure on me in the moment. I don't have much of Maisie, and seeing how few photos I had of her when I knew she was alive is heartbreaking. Lachlan finally dozed off as I realized this was the last picture I really had of her alive with me. So I ran to my room and had a complete breakdown. Sprawled out on my bed, face in the covers, ugly crying with lots of tears. I was happy to get a good cry in though, because tears run out really quickly and I haven't been able to big cry in a long while. I wish I had the thought to take one last picture of her in my belly once we found out she was gone. Of course, who would think of that in the dreadful moments we were living. But... there are regrets. This is one of many. I won't get into them all right now. They are all little things - nothing life changing (or saving). But when you don't get any more moments with your child, you regret some of the things you didn't do while their heart was still beating. About 2 weeks after everything happened I had another bad dream. But the dream itself wasn't even quite the worst part.
In this dream I was at the hospital. I was preparing to give birth when I knew the baby wouldn’t be alive. But when I gave birth, the baby came out alive! Moving, breathing, crying, yett she looked just like Maisie did right when she was born. Maisie’s body did not alive. But in this dream, she kept surprising the medical staff by continuing to stay alive. So I thought, “Well they were wrong. She’s not dead. She’s not going to be dead. She’s going to be my baby I can take home!” I woke up after the dream continued a bit longer. I was really confused when I woke up. I honestly, truly, thought I was still pregnant. For a moment, I forgot what happened. And then I remembered, in the dead of night. And it hit me like a ton of bricks again. No, I wasn’t pregnant. No! Maisie was gone. No, I wasn’t going to ever get Maisie back in this life. This experience of waking up in the middle of the night and having to face the truth again honestly ranks as one of the worst moments following everything that happened. Thank you so much to everyone who has taken my survey so far! The link is still in my Instagram bio/linked at the bottom of this post. Would love some more responses. For now, I am quickly sharing one piece of someone's survey.
A friend shared that Maisie is actually the reason they started volunteering with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. I cried as I read this survey response. Why? It just feels so good to know that Maisie is impacting people (for the better!) even though she's not here. That is SO special. I have yet to hear the whole story of how God moved all the pieces to put this into place, but am so excited to hear. What is NILMDTS? This amazing organization provides free photography for those experiencing the loss of a child. Unfortunately, I could not make use of this resource thanks to stupid Covid. But I am still considering potentially taking advantage of some of their free editing services since I could not have a live photographer come to the hospital. https://forms.gle/WAoP4pNUd5q4gsn19 #NILMDTS #nowilaymedowntosleep#maisiemarthaofsthun #stillbirth#stillbirthbreakthesilence #stillborn#stillbornstillloved #stillbirthawareness#stillbornawareness #stillamama#stillbirthsupport #pregnancyloss#umbilicalcordaccident#stillbornbutstillborn #bornstill This phrase “try again” has been on repeat in my mind. I want to “try again” right away. When can we start “trying again?” We are going to “try again.” Let’s “try again.”
Our goal was to have 3 living children in this world. Heck, our goal was to have 3 children. 3 children here with us. 3 cuties sitting on the couch next to us. 3 kiddos in the back of the car. Now somehow I’m living a life where I have to specify “living” children, because one child is not. So here we are now having to “try again.” If you think about what “try again” means… we probably think of this idiom in our culture: “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” Aaliyah even has a hit song titled “Try Again.” The lyrics say… If at first you don’t succeed Then you dust yourself off and try again, try again. The primary connotation behind “try again” means that the first try was a failure. So… I had a realization. I don’t like this phrase “try again!” I even looked back at my post regarding my 6-week follow up appointment to see if I sad “try again” at all. I didn’t. Thankfully. I don’t want that word combination out there in relation to my family planning. We are not going to “try again.” There is nothing about Maisie that was a failure. We don’t have to “try again.” What we are going to be doing (God willing) is having another child. I’m going to actually get to have 4 kids (which is actually how many I always really wanted.) We are going to plan to add to our family. We are trying. But we are not “trying again.” Don’t worry - if you ask me (or have asked me) if we are going to “try again,” it is not upsetting. I know I’ve said it in conversation with others. This doesn’t rank up there as something that really bugs me. But it was something I thought about and had to come to the realization for myself and my own thinking. #maisiemarthaofsthun #stillbirth #stillbirthbreakthesilence #stillborn #stillbornstillloved #stillbirthawareness #stillbornawareness #stillamama #stillbirthsupport #pregnancyloss #umbilicalcordaccident #stillbornbutstillborn #bornstill I have an idea. I need input to make sure it’s a good idea and to make sure I start doing things correctly. It should only take a few minutes. Would appreciated your time and help!
I know I’m not alone in thinking this after talking to other stillbirth moms. I knew well before MY stillbirth that a miscarriage was completely different. I’ve now experienced both. And I’m sorry to say... but relating a miscarriage to a stillbirth is like apples & oranges. To be completely honest it is very triggering for me when people relate to me with a miscarriage. “Yes, but...” - is what I want to say. While there are similarities, stillbirth is a whole different ball game. I will go on to a explain more in these next 2 posts. I am by no means demeaning anyone’s pain (if you take it that way - please don’t). It’s a comparison and MY experience. Also, it is a teaching moment for those who may not know the difference between the 2 terms.
I understand and relate to the pain from a miscarriage. The excitement thrown away, the hope thwarted, the pain, the blood. I had 3, all at 7 weeks. Two after Isla, before Lachlan. One after Lachlan, right before #maisiemarthaofsthun I’m sorry for anyone whose struggled to create their family. I made peace with my miscarriages... (which is also made easier because of the matter that I DO have living children). Think about how intricate a human life is. How amazing that a full, tiny human being can be born from a sperm and an egg. Think about all the things that have to come together perfectly for that to happen. I think (and this is just me) that sometimes it doesn’t quite come together as it should... and a #miscarriage may be God’s way to help when something is not quite right. He made us be able to create a life, but in that code too, He also let our bodies know possibly when that life isn’t all it should be for this earth. Thus, a miscarriage. Maybe that’s not the case for all miscarriages, for sure. But it’s a theory of just mine. Also, my miscarriages were early... so I don’t know the experience of a late miscarriage. But Maisie, my sweet stillborn Maisie. I carried her for 7 months. I had “morning” sickness all day long for over 2 months. My body changed. I was clearly pregnant. I got the all clear at the 20 week anatomy scan. I heard her heart beating just a week before it stopped. I had to be induced to prepare my body to give birth. My body didn’t know something was wrong and it had to get rid of the body inside me. I had to experience full on labor. And Maisie gave me the gift of a vaginal birth... which I lamented never being able to experience with Isla or Lachlan. Though we know birth is intense, I wouldn’t have traded one second of that experience getting to be a mom to Maisie. There was a body that should have otherwise survived outside of the tragic accident that happened. We had to buy a burial plot, plan a funeral, and bury her tiny little casket. This was all VERY different from a miscarriage. God never intended for us to die. God is sad about death... so much that he immediately set up a plan to give us everlasting life through sacrificing his own son Jesus. So God didn’t take Maisie from me. God is sad along with me. And God is going to give her back to me in my eternal life. Lachlan. 2 years old. Maisie's big brother. He still sleeps with us for the majority of the night (comes into our bed between 11pm & midnight). He tends to talk in his sleep. Last night, my husband and I woke up to him saying, “Mama look! See Maisie? See?” Then a few moments after that, he giggled. While he’s not old enough to tell us what he saw... I’m guessing he had a dream with Maisie. I’m hoping they were playing together as brother and sister! Though his 2yo mind doesn’t fully comprehend what happened... he is still affected by this loss - just in a different way. And last night it made me smile to think Maisie was visiting him in his dreams.
The mail has brought us many kind cards and amazing surprises from those near and far. But we’ve also had to receive...
Certificate of Birth resulting in Stillbirth Hospital stay survey Insurance claim processing Summary of charges from funeral home Burial Plot Deeds Bill from hospital for birth Funeral Home survey More hospital bills!! Each time I get something like that it’s kind of like getting punched in the stomach. For a while, I couldn’t wait to get the mail because we have been blessed in many different ways by many different people. And that makes me happy. In these worst of times, I’ve seen the best of people. But now most all that remains is the business end of things... How I currently feel is angry plus a sick feeling in my tummy. We just got our biggest bill yet from this whole ordeal. I don’t mind paying the hospital bills when I get the grand prize to take home. 👶🏼 But coming home #emptyhanded and still having all the #birthbills just plainly sucks. Don’t get me wrong... I know I used services. I used resources. I had a hospital stay. I know you can’t exactly plan for medical bills. I purposely crossed out any info identifying info because these places are just doing their job. I owe it. I’ll pay it. But.... I. Don’t. Want. To. I would pay all I have to hold Maisie again. Instead all I’m left paying is bills to birth my dead baby. Yesterday we entered February 2021. This was the month I had been anticipating since June 2020 when I got my first positive pregnancy test for this pregnancy. The month I was supposed to bring home a baby. The month I would be nesting like crazy. The month I would be pulling out the infant boy & girl clothes in anticipation of our surprise gender baby. The month I thought my family would be complete. The last month of my life I thought I would be pregnant. Instead in December we heard #imsorrythereisnoheartbeat & gave birth to a #stillborn & were surprised with our girl #maisiemarthaofsthun & came home with #emptyarms. This February is hard. It will get easier as time goes on. But this February - I am sad, I am lost, I am empty. #stillbirthawareness #stillbornstillloved #umbilicalcordaccidents #stillbirthbreakthesilence
Did you know in Minnesota you can get a $2,000 credit if you have a stillbirth for that tax year. Yup. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy to be able to get a tax credit for this sucky situation. I knew to expect this because my nurse told me about it in the hospital. We would have to make sure we got our "Certificate of Birth Resulting in a Stillbirth" to claim this on our taxes. So as I got further and further in the process of filing my taxes with TurboTax, I knew this would be coming. And I started getting anxiety as I awaited this question to come. Then BOOM. There it was. A question I never thought I'd have to answer yes to in a million years.
I've seen this question in past years. I always thought, man - that is sad. But basically clicked no. I did not have a stillborn child. I think I may have even had the thought... "Does this happen frequently enough to warrant a question on taxes in regards to it? And why does it matter?" Well, now I know. And you know what TurboTax - I am disappointed in your platform in regards to this question. You've found ways to say quirky things throughout the filing process. Could someone not put a SORRY somewhere on this page? "Oh my, sorry you lost your sweet, little, precious, innocent baby." Nope - just business here. But this might be one thing Minnesota does right - offer this credit to families who have a stillborn child. Because the child you would have been claiming as a dependent for 18 years is now no longer here... So thanks for helping to offset some of our medical and funeral expenses. |
AuthorMother. Jesus Lover. Mourner of my stillborn Maisie Martha Ofsthun. Archives
October 2021
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