How I am really doing.
I don’t know if people just don’t know. If they are nervous. If it makes them uncomfortable. If they think it’s “over”. But am I wrong to want to still be asked how I’m doing. How I’m REALLY doing? To give me a chance to talk a little about Maisie. It’s much more exhausting to go so long without. To be the only one to bring up in conversation what happened. For me right now... it’s still only been 5 months. I’m hoping by sharing this with you it lets you know you should ask. Just ask. Give someone who has lost someone a chance to talk about their feelings. To say their loved one’s name. We won’t take all of your time... but give us the minute or few. We will feel better. And maybe so will you.
0 Comments
I was just scrolling through my Maisie Martha album on my phone, trying to see what photos I had. What hasn't been shared yet. What am I ready to release now?
I came across this, and thought why not liven up my feed with this beautiful bouquet of flowers. The night we got home from the hospital, a friend (who didn't even know that we were home) decided to stop by to bless us with some supplies. She dropped off a bag of groceries with some easy meals inside. She had some magazines for me. And this beautiful display of flowers. She was in and out like lightening, you could tell she didn't want to intrude and was just trying to do this precious favor unnanounced. These flowers lasted so long and were so beautiful. And what I realized later on is that they were the perfect color combo. Blue and Purple 💙💜 which I know associate as Maisie's colors for her birthstone months. I even ended up using some of the pieces for this to later on create Maisie's first little grave decoration I wanted to get up to mark her spot and honor her life. This was one of several flower displays we were gifted. Having never gone through the death of an immediate family member, I hadn't realized people sent flowers in times of death. I'll share the other ones we got along the way! Mamas and Families who are part of this community with me... I hope you can get to know the Zoe Faith Foundation (@ZoeFaithInc) and the ways they sprinkle joy and make memories happen for families experience pregnancy and infant loss. You may need to refer someone you find out about to the Memories Impact Project. You may want to participate in The Carried Project yourself (like I am doing this week). Or you may want to tell people about their bracelets, because 100% of the profits go directly toward helping those experiencing pregnancy and infant loss.
MEMORIES IMPACT PROJECT We come alongside families who learn that their baby is not expected to live long past birth by providing them opportunities to make memories during their final months of pregnancy and offer support along the way. THE CARRIED PROJECT We invite families who have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss to participate in The Carried Project where we honor and remember these babies. Each week, different families are given the opportunity to share their story and during that week we donate 50% of every donation and/or bracelet sale made in the honor of their baby back to them. The family can use the money to make a memory in honor of their child, donate it to a charity of their choice, or use it toward medical/funeral expenses. BRACELETS OF HOPE We donate bracelets from our Zoe Faith Collection to hospitals where they are made available for those experiencing pregnancy or infant loss. Every bracelet purchased equals a bracelet donated. Check out their social media and find the link to the website where you can apply for the projects and browse the bracelets. https://www.zoefaith.com When you want to take them wherever you go. When you hope people ask so you can talk about them. When seeing their name feels so good. When something temporary or removable isn’t enough. When you hope to hear others use their name. When they are not here... you do all you can to keep them near.
#firsttattoo #onlytattoo You know, I really, really missed the chance to be in person this year at BSF. To exchange smiles in the hallways, talk with friends from previous years, to see my children rejoin their teachers in the Children’s Program and make new friends. If we would have been together this year you may have seen me walking down the hall with two kids in tow and another on the way. We may have sparked up a conversation like - “oh, when are you due?” To which I would have replied, “February.” Or, "is it a boy or a girl.” “I don’t know it’s a surprise!”
And then we would have come back from our Christmas break and you would have seen me again with two kids in tow… but my pregnant belly gone, and no baby in my arms. You may have asked then, “Oh did you have your baby.” And I would have said, “Yes, but we didn’t get to take her home… she was born into the arms of Jesus before we got to hold her first. Just two months too soon, a perfectly healthy baby and pregnancy. A perfectly tragic umbilical cord accident that took her life.” God didn’t created us to die - this is one of the first things we learned in our study of Genesis this year. Death entered our lives as a result of sin, but God was merciful enough to have a plan established to save us from this sin and not separate us from Him forever. So while I think I am a pretty good mother… God provides me comfort knowing that my Maisie is with the ultimate and best Father. As we learned again and again in our study this year, God has a plan. God is omnipresent and with us always. God can pull the good from the bad. God’s plan will ultimately prevail even if it maybe has us following a more difficult path… that path might be unexpected, that path might be painful, that path might make you question “God, I know you could, so why didn’t you?” Many plans are in a person's heart, but the Lord's decree will prevail. Proverbs 19:21 Couldn’t you just have helped Sarah get pregnant a little sooner? Couldn’t you have let Jacob just have Rachel first? Couldn’t you have made Joseph’s path to Egypt a little easier? Couldn’t you have intervened and made my baby Maisie live? But despite having found myself asking that question… I have been in awe of how God has provided for me during this ultimate loss of a child. I mean, after all, can’t God relate with those of us who have lost a child? Because did we not also see many time in this study how God is personal, God hears our prayers, and God answers them. God may not have answered exactly my prayer for my baby to be born healthy and strong. But what God did is answer every prayer from then on out after we learned Maisie had passed. God protected me. God allowed me to deliver the natural way, prevented me from a painful and dangerous surgery with a hefty recovery time. God performed miracles for me... because given my history there was no guarantee the process of delivery would be without trials. And God still provides me all my strength and peace moving forward. His love is real. His love is strong. His love is the reason I can continue to go on. Because losing my daughter has seemingly destroyed me, yet I am not destroyed. This experience of stillbirth has shattered my hope that healthy babies are born alive, yet I am hopeful and confident that I will still have another child. And even though I was too proud to pray for help - God surrounded me with strong Christian people who did. Who brought me food, gave me gifts, listened to my cry, heard my story, and continue to be there for me. Because “if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it.” 1 Corinth 12:26 So… Let me tell you, God is pulling good out of Maisie’s death, even though she never took a breath here on earth. Because "we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:23 God is giving me favor with other women who have lost a child. God has given me a bit of a platform to share my faith. God is connecting me with other women who are living this life after loss. And all sorts of other good things are being created in memory of Maisie. What a powerful God. I’m sad I didn’t get to share Maisie’s short life with more people in passing. So if we all get to be together next year, and you see me walking down the hallway two kids in tow… hopefully, maybe, God willing, another on the way - don’t be afraid to say hi, don’t be afraid to ask questions, and don’t be afraid to say Maisie’s name to me because I LOVE to hear it. Without Maisie.
Happy Mother’s Day to my mama. And to the kids who made me a mama, Isla, Lachlan, and Maisie. I hold on tight to my pictures of Maisie… I’m slow to release them because eventually I am going to run out. There are only a finite amount. I don’t get anymore. I am scared to reach that point where I’ve shared all that I have and there is no more. But at the same time, I want to see you still in my feed with all your sweetness!
Miss you baby girl. A little extra this Mother’s Day weekend. I was asking Isla (5yo next month!) some questions about me. I’ve seen some friends post cute little things their kids have brought home for Mother’s Day this weekend, where the kids answers questions about their mother. So I wanted to try it out at home!
“How old am I?” - Chelsie “13? 14? 15? 19?” - Isla “What’s my favorite drink?” - Chelsie “Tea.” - Isla (haha I rarely drink tea) “What food do I like?” - Chelsie “A sandwich?” - Isla She mostly was asking me to answer the questions, she wanted to be sure she got it right. Bless her heart. And then I asked her this, “How many kids does mama have?” - Chelsie “THREE!” - Isla exclaimed exuberantly. She had do doubt or hesitation answering this easy question. I hope she always answers it in this way to include Maisie when a teacher, coach, friend, or parent asks her. And I hope I can follow her lead and answer the question so boldly too. (P.S Thinking about those of you who don’t have someone to ask this question. My kids are a treasure I hold near and dear, and it is precious and heartbreaking to watch them navigate the death of their sister too.) As we wrapped up our study of Genesis in BSF this morning, something that stood out to me is that God will bless you if you keep faith in Him. This especially stood out in the case of Joseph’s life, which is recorded throughout the last chapters of Genesis.
His brothers want to kill him… he gets sold to be a slave instead. He works as a slave… but found favor and was placed in charge of the whole household. He gets thrown into jail… but becomes the person in command of all the prisoners. Whilst in prison for a crime he didn’t commit… he deciphers a dream for one of pharaoh’s staff. Gets forgotten for his correct dream interpretation… but then is remembered when Pharaoh is in need of a dream interpreter. Through all of this, Joseph remained faithful to God and gives the credit for his prosperity to Him. God blessed Joseph, helped him to prosper, and had a plan for Joseph through the hardship. Ultimately, God’s will will always prevail. Even if there are some bumps along the way due to the sin that rules this world. So I want to encourage you to draw near to Him in your current time of hardship. Lean on Him as you mourn the death of your child. God’s own son died. He can relate. God knows our sadness. He is sad with us. But He has established the ultimate gift for us of everlasting life. Our babies are in heaven without worry, fear, pain, or sin. And while we are here on earth, waiting to get back to our babies in heaven… God will bless us, if we keep faith in Him. I was surprised by an email last week from my sweet Sister-In-Law. She made a donation to Feed My Starving Children in Maisie's name. How special. How kind. How dear to see.
A donation has been made in memory of Maisie Ofsthun: In memory of sweet Maisie Martha, a short life doesn’t mean a small impact. Happy Mother’s Day Chelsie. Love, Carine "I've been thinking a lot about you and sweet Maisie lately. Hope this brings you a smile. Love you. - Carine" My first Bereaved Mother's Day.
My first year realizing this day even existed. My warmest and gentlest wishes to all of us who are here. I see you. I'm sorry I didn't know before. And no... I didn't do anything special today. But I did get to have a good hug and little cry with a woman at church this morning who was thinking about Maisie. 💕 That felt nice. |
AuthorMother. Jesus Lover. Mourner of my stillborn Maisie Martha Ofsthun. Archives
October 2021
Categories
All
|