I finished up reading the book Outlander last week. If you are unfamiliar, the premise is a women gets transported through time from the early 1900s to the early 1700s in Scotland. Over the course of several pages… I struggled through reading several reference to stillborns. I took screenshots (yes - I read on my phone) of the pages that hit me. Swipe to see.
Here were my corresponding thoughts as I read, with my new lens of a mother of stillbirth. #1 - I thought this was actually a pretty good way to put things. This could be how I answer the scary question, “How many children do you have?” I just wish I had the cool Scottish accent to go with it. “I bore 3, ye ken. And am raising 2.” -Chelsie’s version .Thus why I took a screenshot - to remember for later. #2 - Then I got to this next screenshot mere pages later. Here we have a straight up reference to stillbirth. To me, before I experienced my stillbirth, I definitely thought stillbirths were only something that happened back in the day… take the Scotland Highlands in the 1700s for example. Just like this book. And woof… the grief they knew could come with it. Grief so true and believable in this instance it was used as a cover up to fool some redcoats in a dire situation. #3 - Seems like the women of the 1700s were better versed than I was on the importance of movement and that in fact when movement ceases there is causes for concern. (I knew in a way to pay attention, but I really had no clue WHY… I didn’t think babies died out of the blue.) So there is my commentary. The end.
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Lachlan said, “Mama I died. Lachlan died. And Maisie died. Lachlan and Maisie. I cried.” (4/15/2021)
This was the conversation I was privy to the other week over breakfast with my kids. (And yes, I am just getting around to posting it now.) Lachlan is 2. He turned 2 just short of two weeks after Maisie was born. Was he telling me a dream he had before waking up? There is only so much you can get out of and understand from a 2yo. So I’m not sure exactly where this came from. And to be clear, I make it a point to not constantly be talking about Maisie with me kids. Of course she comes up when it is natural and she is most definitely included in our family. But I do most of my Maisie thinking in my head all day long, or on my computer, so it is not a constant cloud over my living children. But, my point being, this convo didn’t come from him copycatting or echoing. It is obviously harder to see the grief of a 2yo compared to that of a 4yo (swipe to see a pic of the 4yo). And what you do see… is it truly grief? Or just… processing. It will be interesting to see how his understanding of his little sister develops over time. Sometimes I feel guilty my kids have welcomed death into their life so early on, but I know it is actually going to strengthen them as humans. And they know their sister is with the best Father in the world, waiting to meet us when we get to join as well. When I close my eyes at the end of the day, is when the memories start to replay. Sometimes I need to tell them no; otherwise I will lay their all night watching a very long movie replay in my mind. And it’s not a comedy… it’s a tragedy. But at the same time, I need to remember. I want to dwell on every tiny piece of the story. Because I am so, so scared that I am going to forget something… and each moment is too important. I don’t want to let go of any little piece.
And then as I lay there, I wish I had a little computer (or maybe just a typewriter) in my brain so that as I lay watching the replays… they could be transcribed for me in the dark of the night. Because while for now it is not a lot of work remembering, it seems a daunting task to consider getting it ALL recorded. While I do have most of it down, I fear I don’t have it all. And so… I’m scared. I’m scared 5 years down the line I’m going to press play on a certain chapter of the movie, and it’s no longer going to be there. Bittersweet to donate this bracelet kit to The Birthing Center at Ridgeview Hospital in Waconia tomorrow. (Via intermediary our sweet nurse Kim)
I've seen pictures of babies gone too soon with a little bracelet or something with their name on it. This is something I didn't get an opportunity to have in my time with Maisie. So I thought this might be a special & meaningful gift to provide for families having to walk this horrible road... in the same place we gave birth to Maisie. I’ll admit… when I started writing & doing social media here about Maisie, it was more for myself to make sure I had things remembered and captured. A place to go back to look and see what happened and what I was feeling.
But it quickly morphed into something much more. Not only connecting with a wonderful community, but a hope to HELP in some way. This is something I love to do. It is becoming a vocation. And comments like this are making it even MORE worth it. -Thank you for your perspective today. It helped me a lot. -I really appreciate your IG. It helps me some days when I am feeling low. -I feel so refreshed having this talk. Thank you for sharing your honest feelings. -Thank you Chelsie, for all the things you say! Reading it helps me to know I am not alone, validate my feelings. Only us moms truly know. -Your posts on social media are definitely helping at least on person for sure (me), and that will mean more than most know. -I thought this post was really honest and valuable -- reading about what you were/are feeling really helped me understand something new that I hadn't thought about before. To have even helped one person. To have validated feelings. To have spoke to someone when they were feeling low. This is beyond meaningful. Thank you everyone who has come alongside me in this journey. I look forward to continuing to walk this road with you and connecting with more precious families. I have a group of girls I assembled in a Facebook group chat... we all lost our babies within a few days of each other in December, and we were all in our 3rd trimester.
I love getting to chat with these women, because we are going through the same milestones together. We get each other and can share anything with no judgement. We wrestle with questions like... When are you going to start trying again? Has your cycle returned yet? Is it wonky? Are you going to find out gender next time around? Do you want the same or different gender than your baby you lost? Are you going to ask for more scans next time? What kind of urn are you getting? What should I put on the headstone? How are you feeling today? How are things with your husband? How are your other children doing? Etc. And you know what... It's not fair. It's not fair we have to think about these things now. Everything has a new weight. Everything is different now. And none of us want to be here. But we are. And we will support each other. Even if it is not fair. "How are you?"
"I’m OK." "Just OK?" "Yeah, you see my baby died. This question now not so easy now I confide. So for now I’ll say I’m OK. Please check back another day." I have to admit this wasn't my finest moment, but I was just saying it to my husband in the comfort of my own home. We had the Masters Golf Tournament on yesterday. Some story was on about a golfer who recently had a baby. Of course, they showed a picture of the parents holding their newborn. What did I think when I saw this picture with a baby who was clearly alive. "Wow, must be nice to have an alive baby." My husband looked at me and said, "You do have 2 babies alive and healthy." Yes, but....
Sorry, now I am a bit jaded. Unfortunately, I now know not all babies come out alive. And living through this trauma has changed me. Of course, how could it not? Hardened, cynical, disenchanted, wary... what's the best word? I don't know. I love babies. I cherish them. I am so happy for families that get the outcome that is supposed to happen. I want more than anything and pray so hard for all babies to be born alive and well. When I see a newborn... I am not jealous. I am not upset. I am not bitter. But I am sad... I am sad I didn't get that same outcome with Maisie. It's not you, it is totally me. April 10 - National Siblings Day
I learned for the first time this year, that #SiblingsDay was created by someone who was missing their siblings. Claudia Evert created this day, along with Siblings Day Foundation, after the untimely passing of her brother and sister, Alan and Lisette. Siblings Day holds a whole new meaning now as I look at my kids who are missing their sister Maisie. And to know the true meaning and creation of the day, makes it all the more meaningful. "Not all siblings walk side by side, sometimes one has wings to fly." I realized the past week or 2 when I was showering that I was losing a lot of hair. Today I just put the dots together and registered... it is postpartum hair loss. To double check my theory I looked up when it typically starts & trusty Google told me typically 3 months after delivery. Well here I am coming up almost to 4 months since giving birth to Maisie. One more friendly reminder of being pregnant for 7 months, giving birth, but not having a newborn here at home with me.
As I reflect back on this Easter, I realize this was the first holiday Maisie truly missed out on. Yes, she was gone last Christmas, but at that point I was still so numb and the hurt was still so raw.... and she was still supposed to be in the womb. She wasn’t with us at Valentines Day, but to me this is just a Hallmark holiday & Maisie was supposed to arrive four days after Valentine’s Day. So now here we were this Easter, the first holiday she would’ve truly celebrated in our arms. And my arms were left aching for her.
As I got dressed that morning I put back on my cross ✝️ necklace with tiny pearls (Maisie’s name means pearl), of course I have my ring, and I also chose to put in earrings a neighbor gave me that represent babies gone too soon. I couldn’t bring Maisie with me to the celebration of Jesus’ resurrection, but I tried to keep her memory near. Though none of that was nearly enough. In hindsight too, I feel I should have brought my Maisie bear along with us for the day. I should have got a picture with the bear and the kids too! I could have held the bear in this pic with my kids. Why isn’t Maisie in this picture of me with my children? Not even just the bear representation... but actually my child. I wish I was holding my baby in this picture too. I should have been holding Maisie here. 💕 I teach a music class for kids aged 0-5. I bring Isla & Lachlan with me to class. Maisie came to class too in utero last fall semester & the start of winter semester... (babies can hear in the womb! So she got to enjoy class with us.) Ok... where am I going with this. Well, now I have started a new spring semester with several new families who were not in class with me when I was pregnant. So... these families only see me with 2 kids. But I needed to tell them I actually have 3 kids.
Last week, our 3rd week of class, was when I felt I could open up & share. I am never scared to talk about Maisie; I always want to talk about Maisie. But sometimes I worry people won't understand... people will think I am weird for sharing this. But this is the very reason I am even more compelled to talk. This needs to be talked about & shared to bring about #stillbirthawareness. It happens, and if it was talked about more then maybe people would understand better & us mamas wouldn't feel so isolated. "There is no seamless way to weave this into class. But I need to tell you. I have these 2 kids here that you can see, but I also had a baby in December. Unfortunately, she was born still. She was supposed to join us in Februrary, and we wish she was in class with us again right now. We miss her. And I need to tell you about her because you are a part of my life right now. And... To say she lived, I also have to explain that she died. And what's harder than saying she died, is not acknowledging that she lived." Though... it didn't come out that clearly or concisely in class, but thank you to my families that listened. Thank you to those who said they were so sorry. Thank you for wishing she was here too. Thank you to the mom who knew Maisie last semester & took this opportunity to ask me a bunch of questions about what happened. I loved getting to answer those questions, to explain our story, take away your wondering, & just get to chat about my daughter. Okay - I’ve seen about 50 versions of this.
1 in 4 of your friends has lost a baby. 1 in 8 of your friends struggles to get pregnant. Pregnancy isn’t an April Fool’s joke. Totally get it. Totally on board. Totally agree. BUT, you know what stat is MISSING in all these that I have seen? 1 in ~160 of your friends will experience a STILLBIRTH. Why is this statistic seemingly forgotten? Is stillbirth too tough to be included? Too sad to think about? Well, yes… but too bad, right? Because it happens. So include it. All the more reason pregnancy isn’t an #aprilfoolsjoke. Also… let’s not try to say we are lumping it in with the 1 in 4. It’s not the same as the 1 in 4… 1 in 4 women have NOT birthed a dead baby. In fact, it's not 1 in 4 women... its is 1 in 4 PREGNANCIES that have ended in miscarriage. Phrasing it as 1 in 4 women/friends is the wrong data. And since we are talking about accuracy, 1 in 8 COUPLES struggle with infertility. It’s not just the women… it may be the man, the woman, the combo of them both, or unknown. Promise, I like your intentions… but let’s capture it all, and correctly. |
AuthorMother. Jesus Lover. Mourner of my stillborn Maisie Martha Ofsthun. Archives
October 2021
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