My firstborn, my oldest daughter, my mini-me Isla June turned 5 last week. 5 seems like such a big milestone for a kid! It was a whirlwind celebrating her on June 23rd, while also secretly preparing for a surprise party for her on Saturday! We pulled off the surprise successfully, despite the rainy day we ended up with (which we definitely needed here in MN). Isla loves to play surprise birthday at home, so we decided to actually do a real surprise party for her this year.
As things wound down again this week, I had time to reflect back on my first baby turning 5. How was I feeling about this? Fine, overall, I guess. I love getting to see her grow up, learn, mature, etc. It seems crazy a full 5 years have passed since I experienced the birth of my first child. And since then I have given birth to 2 more. So this week I was hit with the realization that I didn't get to have all my kids in under 5 years. Instead of being almost 5 years older than her youngest sibling (which is how it should have been with Maisie), now she will be a solid 5+ years older than the next sibling. At least she has Lachlan in between, pretty much exactly 2.5 years younger than her, bridging the age gap I used to care so much about when creating my family. While it is still something I notice, it is something I've gotten over... just knowing there is much more importance on having family, rather than the timing of it all. So happy 1 week of being 5 my darling Isla June. I wish Maisie could have been here to help you celebrate too.
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This is how I told my husband last week that someone's baby was born.
"So and so had their baby... it's alive." Just one of the new ways I speak and thing after losing Maisie. Do you catch yourself saying things differently now after your experience? My husband was so sweet, and got me flowers last Friday. I asked if they were for me and he said, "Yeah, you had a hard day yesterday." This was the day after Maisie's gravestone got put in, and he knew I was emotional.
Now, I've honestly never been a big fan of flowers. I didn't even have any live flowers at my wedding if that tells you anything (we had cool burlap fake flower bouquets). But I will also admit, after being inundated with flowers after Maisie died... they do hold a more special place in my heart. So I felt really special, and loved, and happy when my husband brought me home this sweet surprise. That was so nice that he was thinking of me and that he recognized my emotions. And it is a hibiscus plant, which should stay alive year round and bloom yearly! (I just hope I don't kill it.) I don’t love the term "angel" associated to dead babies. I know Maisie isn’t an angel. Humans don’t become angels when they die. Maisie didn’t ‘gain her wings’…
(Let me point out, if anyone has ever used this term with me… it didn’t upset me, or I didn’t add you to some “list” of who has said angel.) But… Angels are angels. People are people. God created them each, separately. I specifically didn’t chose any angel imagery to put on her gravestone… there were plenty of options of little kids or babies with wings on their backs. But I don’t picture Maisie up in heaven magically transformed into a different being, with white wings, flying before she ever even walked. Now if you are calling her a little angel because you’re saying she was beautiful and pure, I can maybe get behind that cute little pet name descriptive. But I shy away from anything that refers to Maisie as an “Angel Baby”. Even though there is a lot of cute stuff out there I wish I could get (shirts, stickers, keychains, etc.) What terminology do you like best to refer to your baby? I’m still trying to find the one I like best. I think I have seen a couple I liked… and then forgot to write them down, so of course I then forgot them completely. (Oh, and she is also definitely not an angle.) 📐🤣 Happy Father's Day to Maisie's dada, and my husband Ryan.
He really did such a great job throughout the entire process of everything that happened with Maisie. He supported me, he pushed himself to do things he maybe wasn't comfortable with in the moment, he showed his emotion, he grieved, and he helped make decisions for what needed to be done. And he continues to provide for our family, support us, and be a Father to Isla and Lachlan. A special shout out today to all the Dad's who have a child in heaven. I keep finding myself opening up to the picture of Maisie's gravestone on my phone. I just keep staring at it in awe, admiration, sadness, longing & wonder.
And I keep finding myself saying, "Born in heaven." The words along the bottom of her gravestone. Born in heaven. How blessed actually is Maisie, to have forgone living (outside the womb) in this world of sin and pain. She got to be born straight to heaven. She is lucky. We're just sad we didn't get more time with her here I felt a little bit like a kid on Christmas morning today... knowing Maisie’s gravestone was going to be put in.
I would have camped out all day to have caught the action, but it ended up getting put in while we were at VBS this morning. I did a drive by on the way home, and saw it had been placed. However, Ryan and I agreed we wanted to go see it together, so the kids and I waited until he got home... then we literally left the minute he got home. Like a kid waiting for their parents to wake up Christmas morning... I had to exercise my patience this afternoon. So we went. And we saw it. And it looked even better in person than it had on screen. And I was so happy. But I was so sad. It was good to see, but it was tough. It felt like another moment of finality. As much as I was looking forward to this, and wanted this official gravestone... I missed the fresh mound of dirt, the temporary marker, the newness of it all. Now it doesn’t seem as much like it just happened. But didn’t it just happened? Time keeps ticking, putting distance between me and my Maisie. But as someone reminded me this week... at the same time also bringing me closer to our reunion in heaven. So as excited as I was, like a kid on Christmas morning, it was also the kind of gift that made you cry.... because of the sentiment, because of the meaning, because of the circumstances. Yet it really felt good to finally get another good cry out. ~~~~ Last Thursday Maisie’s headstone was installed. I had been looking forward to this day ever since we locked down the design & ordered early April. I wanted to camp out at the cemetery all day to see it get put in, but we were at VBS when it ended up getting installed. That was good though because then Ryan and I decided to go see it for the first time together as a family. I anxiously waited all day for him to get home so we could go, almost as excited as a kid on Christmas morning. However, seeing it was a big old bag of mixed emotions. I was happy it was there. But I was sad there was no longer a mound of fresh dirt - signifying this still seemingly “just” happened. It turned out even better than I expected. But I was distraught it even had to be made at all. I was glad of the size & presence of it. But noted all together with the concrete border it was bigger than Maisie’s casket. Upon first glance, I smiled to start... but after taking it all in I balled my eyes out. It was a lot. And it’s another closed page on the To-Do’s for Maisie’s short life. I had so many hopes and dreams for you my daughter... a beautiful gravestone wasn’t one of them. Maisie was buried right before our first snow for the season in MN. It literally came one or 2 days after we buried her. Which was nice because we didn’t have to trudge through or stand in snow at the interment. But what I came to find out once spring came and the snow melted is that there seemed to be erosion on her plot. There was nearly a 5 inch dip in the soil where she lay...
I patiently waited for the city to resume maintenance on the cemetery... hoping that would be part of their routine start up for the season. But I noticed it hadn’t been taken care of after the first few mows. So I jumped to action & emailed the person in charge. I had to follow up twice because each week I went back to check there was no change. Finally we stopped by again and it was fixed!! I felt so happy... she looked so much more safe and secure with a more level and filled area over her. And this should be the last week of her naked grave... headstone being delivered soon! Milestones are weird in the cases of stillbirth.
What I mean is that today is 6 months since Maisie was born. But she’s not 6 months old today. She’s not been “gone” for 6 months, since she didn’t die 6 months ago today. Her soul probably passed through my body on to heaven closer to Dec 10th. 6 months ago we met her… but 6 months ago yesterday (the 13th) was when we heard the worst words any parent could hear. It hasn’t been 6 months since we’ve seen her since we spent time with her on the 15th, saw her again at the funeral home on the 16th, & had our final farewell at the funeral on the 19th. But today is 6 months. It is something. It is a half of a whole entire year already. All these dates, all these moments, all these firsts, all these lasts. They aren’t all tied up in one milestone. Going forward we will always celebrate the day of Maisie's birth. But the days leading up to her birth were also among some of the harder days of our life. & the days following her birth continued to bring trials of various sorts. It’s weird. It’s all so weird. It’s unnatural. Which just makes it all the more confusing & sad. And you know what’s so weird too. Is my body remembered, subconsciously. Last night (Sunday) I was dead tired after a busy weekend with a late Saturday evening. There was no reason I shouldn’t have fallen asleep within 20 minutes of trying… we even got to bed early because everyone was worn out from a long weekend. But I lay in bed, wide awake (yet so tired) until nearly midnight. I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t fall asleep right away. I knew something was going on because I wasn’t even being distracted by weird thoughts. & then it all clicked. Not only was it a Sunday evening, it was a Sunday the 13th, & it was a Sunday the 13th a half a year after my world was shattered. I did know last night that tomorrow (aka today now) was the 6 month marker. I had wanted to pay attention to that since I kind of missed noting when 4 months hit, & 5 months. But what I didn’t realize was the days of the week were lining up perfectly with this milestone too. But my body remembered. My body reacted. & just as I couldn’t sleep 6 months ago, knowing the next day I would have to labor & deliver my child who was no longer alive, I couldn’t sleep again in remembrance. For a while after Maisie died I would get a shock and a startle every time I saw a picture of a baby alive. I became accustomed instead to seeing pictures of babies who were no longer alive.
I think part of it was that I had joined this community of moms whose babies died and I was entrenched in learning this new aspect of life that I didn’t realize existed. Babies died?! Often? Before they were born? Shortly after they were born? Not SIDS? I needed to learn more, see more, compare stories, see pictures, do all the research. So as that became my new normal in life… when I went back to the “real world” and saw a picture of a baby that was alive - whoa! It took me by surprise. It took quite a while for pictures of alive babies not to flabbergast me. Probably as of the last month or so. (And that may be due in part to my news I shared in my IGTV video if you saw that.) Maisie - I wish we had pictures together when you were alive. I can't wait to see you moving, breathing, and feel your warmth when we are reunited in heaven. I have to admit, after first losing Maisie I placed a lot of importance on connecting with women who had very similar experiences to me. I felt they were the best place I could connect. They were the only ones who could understand. I shied away from getting too involved in those stories that were different than mine. I couldn’t handle anything else or more then.
Now, I am not saying that is bad. I think that is what I needed most in those moments of grief & despair & trying to understand when everything was still so fresh and raw. I think it is a very important part of the process to find & connect with those who have a shared similar experience. But I am also saying, in the nearly 6 months now since Maisie died, I have grown in my grief & my ability to relate. I have had the chance to connect with so many moms, hear different stories, learn the names of so many precious, loved babies. And as I have processed my loss, I have been able to see with more clarity that our pain & grief over the loss of our baby is universal, even if our path to that point was slightly different. Whether it was your first child or your third child. Whether it was at 18 weeks, 30 weeks, or 38 weeks. Whether it was expected or unexpected. Whether you met them alive, but they passed shortly after, or they were born still. I hear you. I see you. I feel you. I can connect with you. I can talk with you. We have lost a child. And those who have lost a child… know. I am here for you |
AuthorMother. Jesus Lover. Mourner of my stillborn Maisie Martha Ofsthun. Archives
October 2021
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