Hope you had a wonderful Christmas!
We got some good family time on Christmas Eve (Ryan’s side) and Christmas Day (my side). Today was hard though... the toys I requested for my two kids were meant to be set up in the basement as a place for them to go so I could have quiet time with baby when she was born. So we set it up today but it was making me so sad because all my envisioned plans are gone! 😫 And it was my sons 2nd birthday today. (So memories of giving birth to a living baby.) AND we got our certificate of birth resulting in stillbirth in the mail today and they messed up my husbands middle name. I’m just still in that phase of everything being so fresh. Everything such an easy reminder of what is no longer to come. Busy still with to dos in regards to Maisie and thank yous and this and that. A very overwhelming time of year for this all to be going on!!
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When I peeled off my sports bra this morning... I saw I had leaked milk. In the shower I was leaking on my left side. What a sad reminder of what was lost. How I wish I could have nursed you with your sweet little lips Maisie.
It’s already been one full week since I heard the worst words that changed my life forever, “I’m so sorry, there is no heartbeat.” It seems like yesterday & a million years ago at the same time. My heart goes on without you #maisiemarthaofsthun, but in there you’ll stay forever.
Saturday, December 19th, 2020
Today was our funeral for Maisie. We arrived around 9:30am so we could get situated. We had brought all of the things we had of Maisie to put out on display. Tiny hats, tiny diapers, blankets from the hospital, pictures, signs, guestbook, etc. After that display was set up, we admired flowers that had been delivered to the church for the funeral. So many surprises. We brought flowers that had been previously delivered to our house by Chris & Heather (our friends), Matt and Shelly (Chelsie’s aunt and uncle), and The Ringblom Pod (Chelsie’s private music class pod). At the church we were surprised with beautiful displays from Ryan’s mom and sister (a white cross of flowers), the Palmers (a family from our church), Christ Lutheran Church (the church Chelsie holds her music class in Maple Plain), Christine’s friends, and Leslie’s company. And of course then we got our final little look of Maisie. I requested her face to be delicately covered. So we just got a glimpse of her bottom of her dress and her amazing feet. Then she was closed up for good. Since we chose not to do any embalming, apparently there are rules that the casket must be closed to the public. Of course, this is what we wanted anyway too. And then the visitation went from 10am-11am. So many hugs and tears and “thank you for coming.” We were so blessed by all the support from everyone who came. I made sure I connected with everyone I saw come in, so if I happened to miss you – I’m so sorry! You must have snuck in. J Family gathered in a separate room for a small prayer service before we entered the sanctuary. Then, Ryan carried Maisie in in her little casket, and I carried Lachlan and held Isla’s hand. We processed in behind the cross and took our places in the front pews. I didn’t bring my purse in as I usually do in church, and Lachlan immediately was like – where are the snacks? So I had to run out with him right away while the first hymn was still being sung. Carine’s friend Carissa had offered to help with Lachlan during the service. As I went to put him in the nursery, out behind me ran several people offering to help. Carissa was among them so I dropped Lachlan and darted back in before the first hymn finished. Phew. I don’t know what ended up happening from there because later on I looked back and saw Lachlan cuddled up on Uncle Robbie’s shoulder. The service was beautiful. Ryan and I carried Maisie out at the end. I didn’t want anyone else to hold her in some of her final moments. That was my job as a parent. Selfishly, I didn’t want to give that to anyone else. Afterwards we chatted a bit longer with some people and then I started packing everything up. We had to get going to get to the cemetery for the interment. Once I packed up all the stuff we brought, I told family we had to get going. On to the next thing. Mackenzie had packed up a lot of stuff as well and was already on her way to get set up at the cemetery. We arrived to Mound Union Cemetery and walked over to the burial spot. Mackenzie had a table set up with Maisie, a flower arrangement we chose to leave outside with Maisie after the burial, and a single purple rose that would go on top of her coffin in the grave. We also chose to leave the cross of flowers there over Maisie, so that was set up beside the table as well. Pastor Krueger said some words… It was cold. There was no need to linger. We said our final goodbye and drove the few minutes it took to get home. #maisiemarthaofsthun Published 1/19/2021 Friday, December 18th, 2020
I’m not sure what we really did this day. It was our first day without somewhere to go or someone to see. I think I worked out getting pictures printed and sending Ryan to Walgreens to pick them up for the funeral. Oh, actually something did come up this day. I got a call from the doctor’s office that I had to come in to get another Rhogam shot. I have O- blood, so throughout all my pregnancies I have had to get this shot. It helps my body to not create antibodies against a baby in case they have a positive blood type, on the chance any blood is exchanged throughout pregnancy. I actually just got one at my 28-week appointment earlier that month. And we decided at the hospital after delivery that I didn’t need another one because that one would hopefully be sufficient. So I was confused why I now needed another one. I ended up calling my mom to see if she could come drive me to Waconia since I thought I probably shouldn’t go by myself. I went in and as I waited by the door to be let into the clinic I started having a bit of a panic attack. Here I was at the place where I had almost all my appointments throughout this pregnancy (and Lachlan’s). I didn’t think to wonder if I might have some PTSD, but now here I was fighting back tears, trying to breath through my mask, and a sudden sharp backache starting. I got let in, checked in, gave 2 presents to the front desk to be given to my midwives Shawn and Katelyn, and sat in the waiting room trying to control my pain and tears. After waiting a while the lady who let me in came up and said she was so sorry, she didn’t have any idea what I was going through, Shawn just told her when she brought the gift back, and said she would try to get me back into a room as soon as possible. More tears as I nodded ok. I got through the appointment (even though it took forever because I couldn’t find someone who could actually explain to me why I was getting this shot again – and ultimately Shawn ended up coming in and knew what to say). On our front step when my Mom and I arrived back was the first of many surprises to arrive to us by mail in remembrance of Maisie. We opened it up to find a ceramic angel holding up a baby as if sending baby to heaven. It was perfectly sweet, but we didn’t know who it came from because there was no note! (We later on found out it is from Ryan’s Uncle Jerry and Aunt Becky.) My mom headed back home and we must have had dinner and I think the kids requested that night to watch some Baby Yoda. They watched, but I couldn’t have told you what happened in the episode because my mind was still moving a million miles an hour. #maisiemarthaofsthun Published 1/19/2021 This was my first bad dream I had just 2 nights back from hospital. This was still before the funeral/burial had happened.
I was at the cemetery where we had got our plots and would be burying Maisie in a few days. I was trying to make sure Maisie’s face was covered as she was in an open casket outside. I wanted to protect her face & integrity since she didn’t look as beautiful as she once had as time went on... Then when I looked down at her she was alive and beautiful! And I scooped her up and ran to Ryan and said, “She’s alive!!” And as I looked down at her again, holding her out to show Ryan, she changed. Now I looked down & she looked just like how she did right when she came out. So lifeless. So dead. The complete opposition of what that moment of birth should be. Maisie Martha Ofsthun
December 14, 2020 | 4:21pm 2lbs 15.5in I have all the words, yet I still have no words. We lost our sweet baby girl just 2 months before she was supposed to join our family. She would have been perfect in every way, but managed to get herself in a bind with her umbilical cord. We will never stop loving you Maisie. Jesus got to hold you first and you have fallen asleep in Him, how amazing is that. Service information can be found here: https://www.hantge.com/obituaries/maisie-ofsthun/ Thursday, December 17th, 2020
On Thursday my Pastor Johnson came over so we could plan out the funeral service. Our goal for our time together would be to select the 3 readings and 3 hymns. Close to my heart had already been Psalm 139:13-14. “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” I included that in the obituary I wrote up for Maisie. So we perfectly already had a Psalm for the service. Our old testament reading we picked came from Isaiah 25:6-9, we felt it was basically describing the party that heaven will be, followed by the declaration that God would swallow up death forever and wipe away tears from all faces! Our next reading was from 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 which we liked because it helped clarify that the dead in Christ will rise first, followed by those still alive, and we will meet the Lord together in the air! Those who have gone before us aren’t second-class passengers; they are in fact first class. Finally, Ryan throughout this time was really comforted by Mark 10:13-16 where Jesus says “Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God.” Now in regards to baptism, we weren’t able to baptize Maisie. You can’t just go around baptizing dead bodies thinking they will be saved; their soul is already gone. I told Pastor I was uneasy about this. I didn’t think God would let anything bad happen to Maisie, I know she is with Him. But I missed that assurance of baptism I was able to give my other kids when they were newborns. Pastor reassured me that God heard my prayers for Maisie, but I never prayed for her salvation! I just prayed for baby to grow big and strong and be born without any complications. I didn’t think to pray if she died that she would be saved! But Pastor reminded me that the Holy Spirit intercedes and prays for us on account of things we forget or don’t know to pray for. This gave me comfort. Plus, Pastor said, “Even if you didn’t pray for Maisie’s salvation, I did.” And of course God is a loving, just, and kind God. Maisie was protected. A week or so later too, I actually realized I did pray for Maisie to get to heaven each night as we said, “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. God bless: Mama, Dada, Isla, Lachlan, Baby, etc.”’ As far as hymns, we were in the Christmas season and “What Child is This?” had been in my head. So boom, that was our first pick. I realized later too another reason this was probably in my head is because it is the tune “Greensleeves”, which was part of our song collection in my Music Together class the previous semester. So it was a tune Maisie would have been very familiar with. We picked the other hymns from a list of hymns that are recommended for funerals. Pastor Johnson and I signing them out for Ryan to remember what they sounded like. “I am Jesus’ Little Lamb” seemed perfectly sweet for the funeral of a baby. We also picked “The Lord’s My Shepard, I’ll Not Want”. Another song that seemed simple and sweet ending with the phrase… And in God’s house forevermore my dwelling place shall be. Overall, it was a really pleasant time with to be with Pastor Johnson. We had been communicating with him throughout this entire process. But it was a special time filled with hope as we sifted through God’s word to create our service to remember Maisie and the hope she was given through Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior. #maisiemarthaofsthun Published 1/19/2021 Maisie Martha Ofsthun, daughter of Ryan and Chelsie Ofsthun, was born sleeping, already being held in the arms of Jesus before mom & dad got the chance to hold her for the first time on December 14, 2020. Though her family dearly misses the bright future Maisie would have had, they still had the chance to anticipate her life, hear her heartbeat, get pictures of her perfect little body via ultrasound, and feel all of her amazing movements in utero. She would have been perfect in every way, but managed to get herself in a bind with her umbilical cord. We cherish the moments we spent with Maisie as we got to admire all 2lbs and 15½in of her. We delighted in her long fingers, skis for feet, button nose, and resemblance to her siblings. “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” Psalm 139:13-14 Maisie is survived by her: Parents: Ryan and Chelsie Ofsthun of Mound, MN Siblings: Isla and Lachlan Grandparents: Todd and Christine Zitzlsperger, Leslie DuLac, Guy Ofsthun Aunts/Uncles: Carine (Eric) Troidl, Robbie Zitzlsperger, Maddie Zitzlsperger Maisie was stillborn, yet we rejoice that she was still born on December 14, 2020 at Ridgeview Medical Center in Waconia, Minnesota. Wednesday December 16th, 2020
You may be wondering, how come no one else has been in this story besides Ryan, Chelsie, Maisie, and the hospital staff? Well, stupid covid, that’s why. But it was beyond important to me that our family got the chance to meet Maisie. Especially Isla and Lachlan. I felt they needed to see baby to grasp fully the end of the story, and it wouldn’t have done them any favors for this all to just disappear as if nothing happened. Well, no one was allowed to come to the hospital. So we asked the funeral home if they would permit us to come the next day with our family so they could meet and hold Maisie – and the funeral home graciously agreed. Todd, Christine, Robbie, Maddie, Leslie, and Carine were able to join us at the funeral home in Norwood Young America. We all arrived around 10am and gathered in the front parlor. First, Ryan and I took our kids in to see Maisie lying in her cozy box, which could have looked like a little bassinet. Next we let the rest of the family come in to see. After everyone got his or her first look, I got Maisie out to hold. She was still bundled and cuddled in her comfy gown and cozy blankets and little hat. I went and sat down with her and showed everyone her big feet, her hands, etc. As time had continued to pass, Maisie’s appearance continued to decline. We chose to not do any sort of embalming. We wanted to keep her pure. But they did close her mouth, which was sad because now we couldn’t see her precious lips, and her chin was really tucked in. I lamented this was how our family had to meet her. When it was even that much harder to see past death’s deterioration. At this point, Isla was feeling sad & uncomfortable so she became withdrawn and only wanted dada to hold her. I showed Lachlan baby Maisie and he was so interested. He said her name so clearly and looked at her with no fear or confusion. Since Isla wasn’t in a state and get pictures… we handed Maisie off to family so they could each get their turn to say hello and goodbye. Finally we were able to convince Isla to sit down with us so we could get some family pictures. Isla and Lachlan looked lovingly upon their little sister. Lachlan kept wanting to “boop!” her nose! Isla held her head and gave her nose a “boop” too. Lachlan even wanted to hold the baby! So we let him hold her very carefully with a lot of guidance and structure. And overall I was presently surprised with how the children had no fear in this situation. Granted, Lachlan didn’t fully comprehend. But Isla did. And they were seeing death up close and personal at the ages of 4 and (nearly) 2. It was precious to have these few moments together as a family – a family of 5, a family that should have gone home together and continued to grow. Aftewards, Ryan and Chelsie stayed to plan all the logistics of the funeral with Mackenzie. Thankfully Carine offered to take our kids back to her house because they started to get really restless and it would have been hard to focus on the upcoming decisions with our kids running around or whining to be held or played with or fed. So Ryan and I stayed and planned a funeral for our child. Once that was complete, we headed towards Chaska to pick up our kids. We made a quick stop at Target on the way to pick up a picture frame to put up at the funeral. I chose to ride on one of the motorized wheelchairs at Target since walking long distances still made me pretty sore. Target was my first moment being out in public. It was odd being among people going about their daily lives, when all I wanted to do was scream to everyone, “My baby just died!!” We continued on our way, stopped by Carine’s, chatted a little big, then grabbed our kids and went home. Another day gone, God’s peace carried us through, we checked more to-do’s off the list, as we now inched our way to the funeral on Saturday. #maisiemarthaofsthun Published 1/16/2021 Tuesday, December 15th, 2020
We spent this day at the hospital so we could continue to get time with Maisie. Apparently you can get out of dodge pretty quickly when you don’t have a C-Section. We didn’t do much this day. We simply took the little time we had to be together. But it was so wonderful to continue to just have that time where it was still only me, Ryan, and Maisie. We ended up needing to switch rooms mid-morning because all the labor rooms were full and someone else had just come in. So we transferred over to a post-partum room and spent the rest of the time there. It was good that we moved because the showers in the post-partum rooms are better than the giant birthing bath showers in the labor & delivery rooms. So, Ryan and I got cleaned up and took some more pictures with Maisie. One of Maisie’s eyes opened after I showered, which I was happy to see. I wanted to see her eye. It felt weird before thinking I would never see her open her eyes. Another small blessing. Overall though, even just after one night we started to see Maisie’s appearance diminish. Her earthly body… I should have captured her face more the previous evening! But I didn’t know… We were happy to have our great nurse Kim back from the first night. After Ryan and I got cleaned up, Kim got Maisie ready for her bath. It was kind of sad (the bath)… but it felt good to know we got to get her washed up a bit. Maisie’s skin had started to peel in places, so she felt so delicate, fragile, and had to be handled with care. In hindsight I wish I would have spent more time examining all of her body, but I was protective of her and wanted to keep her wrapped up in her cozy blankets so nothing else could disturb her body. Kim handled her with such care and we were grateful for her expertise. After Maisie’s bath we got some cute, classic baby photos. Pictures of her little butt up in the air, pictures of her feet, pictures of her having some tummy time, pictures of us holding her hands. We are so thankful Kim had some of these ideas up her sleeve. Another thing Covid prevented us from getting to do was being allowed a photographer. There are places that donate photography services in these situations. So we missed out. Luckily my phone camera is top notch and we still got a lot of great photos, but I cant help to feel we missed out on some other poses, or more pictures of her when she was in her prime. Things we didn’t know to do and didn’t think to do in the moment that someone who had the experience would have suggested. People told me to take a lot of photos. I did. I even took some selfies with her. And if you’re wondering, yes it did feel weird to smile and take photos with Maisie. We were distraught. But it felt even weirder to take pictures of us crying with her. Who poses for a picture crying? Besides for our memories we wanted to capture happiness too. The funeral home offered free transportation between the hours of 9am-4pm. So wanting to avoid an additional $300 charge, we asked if they could come as late as possible. Mackenzie was kind enough to give us all the way to 4pm before she came to take Maisie away. We laid her in a sweet box, all bundled up. Ryan and I were dreading the moment we had to send her away, but when time came it wasn’t as hard as we thought it would be. That is actually kind of a theme I noticed looking back on everything. We got through it all without each step being as difficult as we imagined. God’s peace guarded our hearts and minds through each step of the process. We also knew that right now we were still just saying goodbye until tomorrow, when we would bring our family to the funeral home to meet Maisie. With all of our belongings packed onto a cart, we proceeded down to the doors. We were leaving the hospital, going home without our baby. We got home. Lachlan hugged and held me so tight. He kept kissing me. I could tell he missed me, but he also had a sense something else was wrong. My mom and Maddie were there. Isla too obviously. The doorbell rang, and we were surprised & blessed to find our friend Heather quickly dropping off food, snacks, flowers, and magazines. I don’t really remember much of what else happened that evening. We got all our stuff in, and fell back into the roll of parents. #maisiemarthaofsthun Published 1/15/2021 Monday, December 14th, 2020
This day was long. It has a lot of little details. Some I feel might be missing because they are already forgotten, but the most important pieces are still remembered. We started after a night of very little, if any, sleep. At 7:30am my new nurse, Debi, and new midwife, Katelyn, came in. I think my balloon was evaluated first, apparently worked decently, and then was removed so we could start the next steps. My IV line had already been put into my arm sometime last night. So we were ready to hook me up to the Pitocin (a natural hormone that causes the uterus to contract used to induce labor). It started working relatively quickly and so the contractions did as well, mild at first and growing in intensity as the day went on. Every 30 minutes my nurse would come in and up my Pitocin to the next level. I’d already had some blood drawn the previous evening too so they could look at that to see if there were any issues that would have caused this heartbreak. Of course, at this point we still had no clue in the world what happened to our sweet baby. Throughout the day we had to consider and make crazy decisions like “Did we want to do an autopsy?” or “Did we want to do chromosomal testing?” Nothing we felt we could fully decide until we actually saw baby . We hoped to have some easy answers right away. I knew, of course, that I would yearn for answers and if we didn’t get them or try to get them, how would that impact the grieving process? But I hated what the autopsy would include… having our baby go across town to the U of M, with know knows who, having her body go through the process of being examined, and all without the guarantee we would even get an answer. I prayed we would get the closure we needed. Other things we had to consider throughout the day… Which funeral home to use? Burial or cremation? Funeral or no funeral? Where to bury baby? We were not prepared for any of that. Luckily the nurses had a great relationship and trust with Mackenzie of McBride Funeral Homes in Norwood Young America. We trusted their recommendation and knew that was the route we would choose. I didn’t want to burn my baby. So I knew we were going to do a funeral and a burial. But where the heck are we supposed to find a burial plot? FYI – cemeteries don’t have the most up to date websites making them easy to find and/or contact. All of these decisions were swirling through Ryan’s and my brain all the while I was in labor to deliver a baby who I didn’t get to take home. I prayed I would be able to deliver this baby without complication. I prayed nothing would go wrong because I was still a mom to 2 children at home. I prayed I would get to complete this vaginal delivery, something I mourned never getting to experience (and I never thought I would get the chance to, since I was supposed to have a 3rdC-section). These prayers were answered. Sometime around 2pm they broke my water. For some reason, it was excruciatingly painful. I tried breathing the nitrous oxide, but it did little to relieve the discomfort. I started sobbing once it was complete, not only because it was very uncomfortable, but because I was SO SAD! Everything hit me again like a ton of bricks in that moment. “I’m sorry,” I apologized to Katelyn, “It wasn’t that bad, I’m just crying because this is so sad.” After my water was broken, my contractions became next level. I couldn’t recover after that. My nurse kept suggesting the epidural and I kept delaying. Finally I gave in. I was trying to delay as long as I could manage because in the past my epidurals wore off after 2 hours or so… and I was hoping to make that 2 hours last to the point I needed it the most. Once the anesthesiologist arrived, we were able to get my epidural going between contractions. I didn’t know right away, but I just received the best epidural of my life that would work so well right up to and past birth of baby. This was another answered prayer, as I had prayed “Please let this epidural work so I can continue this process without the physical pain.” I got to rest and relax for 2 hours in no pain at all, as my contractions did what they needed to do. Around 4pm I had dilated all the way to a 10! The first time I ever accomplished that in 3 births! So… it was time. Baby’s head was in position and it was time to learn how to push, which was something else I never got to experience. My midwife said it might take a bit to figure out how to push exactly, but I got the hang of it pretty quickly. Earlier we asked the midwife to announce the gender to us after baby was born. This whole time, keep in mind, we still didn’t know if baby was a boy or girl! 4:21pm – “Good job mama. It’s a girl!” This next moment was single-handedly the worst moment of my entire life. I don’t think I can properly explain to you what it feels like to see your lifeless baby born. Her body was so completely still. There were no muscles moving little limbs or even keeping her body taut, there was just a lax body. Her mouth was gaping open… and worst of all, there was no cry coming from this mouth. She had a little cone head from delivery, one that wouldn’t resolve itself after hours, or days. Her stomach was all bruised. Her face and head seemed bruised. Her eyes were stuck shut. In all bluntness, it was not a pretty sight. It was traumatic. I held her. I cried. I kept repeating, “Oh baby. Poor baby. Poor, poor baby. What happened? What happened to you? I’m so sorry!” Ryan held her. He cried. After holding her for a while immediately after birth we were ready for her to go get examined. They weighed her and measured her. 2lbs and 15.5 inches, pretty much exactly what a 29-week-old baby would be. They took her into another room to take a graft off her thigh in case we were going to do chromosome testing. But when my midwife came back, Katelyn said, “I think we have an answer. Her cord was wound so tightly it looks like it occluded by her belly button cutting off her oxygen and nutrients.” So our perfect baby had an accident. An accident inside the one place I thought she was perfectly safe, the place she wasthe safest in life. How could this happen? Who knew this could happen? Poor little stinker seemed to have always turned one direction… never the other. That’s what I imagine. She only turned left… but couldn’t she have just turned right every now and then to unwind her cord? I was relieved in a way to know that we didn’t create a baby who had something wrong. But it didn’t change the fact that my baby was dead. Baby girl came back dressed in a white hat with a little pink star, a cute little button up shirt with pink and green dots, and some little embroidered flowers, and she had the tiniest little diaper on – one with a safety pin! Then they took her footprints. So many footprints. We noticed right away when admiring her hands and feet that she had the longest feet you could imagine! This is a special memory we will always have. Then we held her again. And now I could see past the death and I saw my beautiful, amazing baby girl. I saw she looked just like her brother and sister. I know those long feet she had were from her mama. She had little wisps of blond hair like her dada. She would have had those chunky cheeks my other babies had. She was a complete and full baby and had she been born this early she would have survived. She was adorable. We got some pictures with her. We kissed her. I touched her lips, lips that I ached to nurse. I touched her little toothless gums. I held her hands. After this we had to decide on her name still. We had 2 names picked out for if we had a girl… a first pick and a backup. Which one would we use? We still chose our favorite. Maisie Martha Ofsthun. To be honest I struggled a bit giving her this name at first. I love this name. It was my favorite and it is so cute. But in this moment it seemed I was maybe wasting the name? What if we had another girl and I would miss this name? But… what if we didn’t and I held on to this name for no reason. It was the name we were preparing for if we had a girl… it belonged to our Maisie. Of course it was the right decision and I have no regrets. As for her middle name, Martha was my grandma’s name (on my mom’s side). All of our children have the middle name of a grandparent/great-grandparent. Meanwhile, during all of this we were still waiting for my placenta to come out. Placentas aren’t as ready to detach and come out at 30 weeks… so it was taking a while. We started to reach the end of the 4-hour time frame they were allowing for it to come out on its own. So it was time to intervene with the last option. The doctor was going to have to come in and get up in there to get it out. So I got another hit to my epidural and my bottom half was completely gone again. Good considering what was supposed to happen next. But right after the dose, my placenta decided to come out! Praise the Lord – my final prayer was answered. Then my blood pressure started dropping. Three different times I became nauseous and kind of out of it. I got dosed with medicine to bring it back up… but it got weird there for a little bit. Nevertheless, we got through. My next nurse, Ashlea, came in for the overnight shift. She had picked out some clothes for Maisie. An adorable little gown for her to put on tomorrow after we gave her a bath. And an outfit for burial, a dress made from a donated wedding dress created for little angel babies, along with a hat and blanket. It was precious. Then we finally tucked ourselves in for bed for the night… with a “sleeping” baby by our side. Sunday December 13th
I woke up and was upset I hadn’t felt baby move last night as I went to sleep. I was tired of worrying about this when I was sure baby had just moved into some sort of position where I wasn’t feeling baby as usual, or maybe was just having a few lazy days. But I knew now this was time to start taking some action. So of course I hit up Google, asked for some prayers, and posted in some pregnancy app forums asking if people had experienced their baby not moving for a while? I got mixed responses – “my baby didn’t move for a few days and everything was fine”, “call your doctor right now”, “go in and get a non-stress test”. Ryan still wasn’t home from his fishing trip up north and I still wasn’t ready to call or go in… couldn’t I just wait until tomorrow during normal business hours to go to the clinic instead of the hospital? Why do these things always happen to me on the weekends? Anyway, I’ll start trying these tricks Google says to do…. Eat something sugary, drink ice cold water, lay on your left side, push on your stomach, talk to your stomach (Isla took care of that part). Nothing was eliciting a response. Finally, with Ryan on his way back from Tim’s in Buffalo, I called him and shared with him my worry. (I hadn’t told him previously because I didn’t want to ruin his time fishing and there was nothing he could do, and there was certainly nothing actually wrong – right?) He said he’d help get baby move when he got home. I was really impressed by his action… he got home around 4pm and immediately got down to my stomach and was poking and prodding and singing some of our silly songs. Ryan was pushing harder than I had and I started to get a sinking feeling…. Baby really should have moved in some way in response to that. Now that I had Ryan home I was ready to call in hopes of just finally getting some peace of mind so I could stop worrying. I got connected with my midwife Shawn who happened to be the one on call (I had been mostly seeing midwives this pregnancy with a few doctor check-ins scheduled due to my need for a c-section). She said that I should go in to get checked out. I asked “Could I just wait until tomorrow to go in to the clinic instead?” She said, “Well this is really the next step. You’ve already done everything else we would have recommended.” And “Drive slowly, the roads are slippery.” During this call my knees were shaking. I don’t like to call the doctor, it makes things real, it makes things scary. But I was ready for the worry to be over, so I got ready to leave, Ryan took over with the kids at home, and off I went by myself to Waconia. I didn’t think anyone could come with me with Covid rules, and I honestly didn’t think I would need anyone there. I was even thinking of stopping by Target on my way home to make a quick return. I got to the hospital and made my way up to the Birthing Center. As I waited by the doors for a nurse to fetch me after buzzing in… a dad walked up to the door with a tray of two meals. He had “new dad” written all over his face. So of course, I engaged in conversation with him. His wife had just given birth to their first child last night, a little earlier than expected, but everything went well. He then asked if I was visiting someone. I then pointed at my bump, slightly hidden under a cozy sweatshirt, and said, “I’m just here making sure everything is okay.” “Oh, is this your first?” he replied. “No, third actually.” Anyway a little more small talk and then he got let in before me and finally my nurse showed up to take me over to one of the side rooms to get things checked out. I explained to her what had been going on (though she knew because Shawn had called to tell them I was coming and what was going on). She had the heart monitor ready, so we got prepared to take a listen. Back and forth she went 8 times before she decided, “Okay, let’s get the ultrasound in here!” So she went to fetch the machine and I was thinking… of course, this just cant be easy. It wasn’t a good sign she couldn’t just find the heartbeat quickly, but I still was not convinced the worst was yet to come. I ripped my mask off my face as I started to feel breathing was becoming more difficult. After wheeling the ultrasound machine in, we then had to wait for the system to boot up. Once it finally turned on, my nurse, Kim, started to take a look. (Kim may very well be an angel on earth, and made my unbearable experience bearable.) When she first put the probe down we saw baby’s head to start. I knew right then something wasn’t right. This wasn’t good. Babies are always moving, turning, twitching, etc. when you see them on an ultrasound. All I could see was stillness. She moved over to the chest to find the heartbeat. I know what a heartbeat looks like. I saw it with Isla. I saw it with Lachlan. I saw it with Maisie just 10 weeks earlier at the big 20-week ultrasound, where every part of her body was perfect. I heard it just a week and a half ago at my 28-week appointment. I know to look for the 4 chambers of the heart pulsating. On the screen now, we saw nothing. Still, it didn’t fully hit me until Kim uttered, “I’m so sorry, there is no heartbeat.” “No, no, no, no.” over and over again I cried as my arm went to my face to cover my eyes. This wasn’t real. This couldn’t be real. This isn’t happening to me right now. This is my baby! Since Kim isn’t a registered ultrasound technician – we had to get confirmation from someone certified. As we were waiting, I managed to get my crying under control and knew I needed to take some action steps. “Do I need my husband to come here?” I started. “Yes, that would probably be good,” Kim replied. “Okay, well then I need someone to watch the kids. I need to call Ryan. I need to call my mom. Who do I call first?” “I’m not sure…” “Okay, I think I will call my mom so she can start getting to my house ASAP. And then I will call Ryan.” The ultrasound technician showed up, got started, and seemed to be measuring things around my uterus. Kim, politely but firmly said, “Can we just see the heartbeat please.” Yupp… there was still nothing. And in this technician’s apparent lack of consideration, she started shutting down her machine and said, “Yeah. Not fresh.” Words like that sink into you like no other in a situation like this. My baby had been gone for days… and I was just learning of the demise now. The thought that “I must be a bad mom…” definitely ran through my head. Phone call to my mom… “Mom, I need you to babysit. You need to get to my house right now. You need to leave now, the roads are slippery.” I don’t even think I said anything else… but my mom knew my voice, knew something was wrong, and knew to just go. Call to Ryan… I’m not even sure what I said to be honest. I think it started like, “My parents are on their way to babysit. You’re going to need to come to the hospital.” I don’t think I ever said the actual words “The baby is dead.” Or “There is no heartbeat.” I think I just cried. Who knows… I just knew I now had to wait for my husband to get to me. With a box of Kleenex in hand… we moved from the small intake room to a labor and delivery room. Shawn had also been called and was en route to the hospital. At some point she arrived. And some point Ryan arrived. I was clutching a teddy bear Kim gave me. We started discussions on the next steps… which was to deliver the baby. Obviously I was going to need to be induced since I was only (but still) 30 weeks/7 months pregnant. My body didn’t know the baby was dead either and it had no plans to evacuate. Our goal for the best interests of my health, given my history of two emergency C-sections and inability to dilate past a 7, was still to try for a vaginal delivery. Hopes were I could progress to that 7 at least and still be able to get this slightly smaller baby out. A C-section in itself is a big surgery with a big recovery – and of course we don’t want that. Also, given the size of baby at this point they would have to make the cut laterally, which meant I would have another incision through my uterus and it could be hard to get the baby out at this gestation through a C-section. At the same time, a vaginal delivery posed it’s own risks because Pitocin (which starts your contractions) can be hard on a body that has endured a C-section. And there was the risk it could ultimately fail and I would end up needing to go through that process and still go to surgery. So the first step to get labor going was to insert a balloon vaginally that would then be inflated to put pressure on my cervix in turn thinning it to prepare for birth. That would need to stay in for 12 hours. I asked for that to be put in while we were there now, so then we could go home, pack bags, and put our kids to bed. But I didn’t want to stay the night at home. Let’s be real… I wasn’t going to be sleeping that night no matter where I was. And frankly I was a little uncomfortable being away from the hospital knowing what was to come. So I breathed some nitrous oxide, got my balloon inserted and inflated, and waddled out of the hospital. I drove myself home while Ryan drove our other vehicle home… because we had two vehicles there and we didn’t want that. Mimi and Papa were there playing with the kids as we arrived. There were tears and hugs. I felt I had to tell Isla what was going on that evening so she would understand why mom and dad were going to be gone for the next few days. This moment ranks in the Top 5 worst parts of this entire saga. Upon telling Isla that our baby died and was now in heaven with Jesus… she grinned & laughed nervously for a second, and then dropped to the floor in a ball and stayed there for an indeterminate amount of time. She didn’t want to talk. She didn’t want to be held. She didn’t want to be moved or touched or anything. She lay there until we finally got her up and she started crying. She completely, totally, understood as a 4 year old girl who was so excited to meet a new sibling, who was hoping so badly for a sister because “she already had a brother”, who wanted to care for and love on and play with this baby. Isla continued crying the rest of the evening as we got ready for bed. We managed to stifle her cries by making the night an exciting sleepover with Mimi in the spare bedroom. After we said our normal prayers for that night, Isla so sweetly asked all on her own accord she could say a prayer for the baby. As she was crying, she prayed, “God, please protect our baby. Amen.” After we got the kids to bed, I started packing my hospital bag and then sat down at the computer to email my music families that class was cancelled this week. My mom went home shortly after we arrived to pack a bag and returned after the kids were asleep. We all killed some more time… I ate a can of tuna at 10:30pm because I hadn’t eaten since lunch and the nurses told me to try to get some food in. And around 11 or so we were en route to the hospital to spend the night before the next steps of the journey would start in the morning. #maisiemarthaofsthun Published 1/13/2021 Saturday December 12th I had a nagging thought in the back of my mind. “I don’t think I’ve felt baby move in a little while?” I can’t remember when. I just figured it had become so second nature I may have not noticed it. But I was pretty certain I didn’t feel baby move last night as I went to sleep. I went about my day with it being on my mind and paid extra special attention to my belly. Ryan was up north fishing, so I was on my own for the day with the kids. First, we recorded our Sunday School Christmas Video for the virtual Christmas program, then I took Isla and Lachlan to see Santa in Waconia. After lunch we went over to my parents for a craft day. I mentioned my concern to my mom later in the day… “It’s just troubling because I now know of two people who have lost a baby this year. At the beginning of the year we went to a funeral for a 34 week old baby and this summer I learned a friend from elementary school delivered at 20 weeks knowing their son had a fatal prognosis. It’s crazy this has happened to people I know,” I told her! Those families had been in my thoughts and prayers all year. I was so sad to know people I knew went through this tragedy. I had so much empathy for them, even though I wasn’t super closely connected to them. And it was really the first time I realized that babies could be lost outside of a miscarriage. But how could that happen to me? I wasn’t by any means thinking it would at this point… but it was a niggling thought to have during my pregnancy. A little after I mentioned this to my mom, she brought me into her room, laid me on the bed, and tried to listen to my belly. But we didn’t know what she should or should not expect to hear. So it was a futile exercise. Anyway, I figured when I laid down to bed that evening baby would move as normal and all my worries would go away. That was my plan.
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AuthorMother. Jesus Lover. Mourner of my stillborn Maisie Martha Ofsthun. Archives
October 2021
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