I am happy to report in the last few weeks I have actually had dreams of having an alive baby.
Throughout the beginning of this pregnancy after Maisie, I was averaging about a dream a week that dealt with blood, death, miscarriage, etc. It wasn't fun to have dreams each week losing a baby of the appropriate size my apps were telling me baby measured that week. So on the flip side, now I realized I have actually had 2 dreams (that I can remember) of holding a little baby girl in my arms. Though one of them included me having no recollection of how the baby got there. Asking everyone around me, "Did I have a c-section? Did I get to deliver naturally? How did birth go?" It then included a full on analysis that somehow I had blacked out during the entire labor and delivery process to disassociate from the pain of my recent death and delivery of Maisie. Hmm... my sleeping mind is quite insightful.
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This was a convo from way back near the beginning of summer... but it stuck.
"I hear you're pregnant with your third. Congrats." - a person who should have very well known that Maisie died. "Yes, well my fourth actually, but thanks." - me I was pretty proud of myself in the moment for having that response. Simple, straight, corrective, polite. The party where this exchange happened had already taken an emotional drain on me... there were several new babies there, it still was at the time where acting like everything was OK for an extended length of time felt phony and icky, and no one really asked me about Maisie. By the end of that party I remember feeling very emotionally exhausted and just got quiet and separated myself from everyone... But on top of that, it really bugged me that the mom of one of my husbands really close friend's said the above statement to me. As I said, I would assume she should have known what happened. If she didn't, therein lies another whole issue. And "third" is just the wrong number. This is my fourth baby. Maisie is my third, no one else gets that number. Contrast this with a WAY better interaction of someone last weekend asking at church how I've feeling with baby #4. That was perfect and meaningful. And not to mention just straight up the correct number. My father-in-law was in town with his wife this last weekend. Ryan and I wanted to take him to see Maisie. He wasn't around or involved at all when Maisie died, so I know Ryan was really glad he got to make it now at least to see her. My FIL really liked her gravestone and told us he thought "born in heaven" was perfect.
(Of course when we went to see her there was someone there setting up for a funeral that was happening later that day (thus the pole photobombing) - at least we didn't try to go right when everyone would have been there for that! Kind of excited to go see Maisie's new neighbor... it wasn't a baby.) A sweet peer of mine yesterday at BSF said, “I wanted to ask you something. How did you come up with the name Maisie?”
I’m going to stop right there before I even answer that question within this post too. Because my main reason for posting this is - how nice of her to think to ask me this question!! It is so, so meaningful to me when people aren’t afraid to say Maisie’s name, or ask a truly genuine question about her & her life. I cherish these moments more than the person may know, though I try to always show my appreciation & thanks for their kind thought. I love naming my kids. I take it very seriously & do a lot of research. Isla June Lachlan Leon Maisie Martha To start explaining any of my kids names I must start at the beginning with Isla. I didn’t have a goal or set of requirements in mind when I started the naming process for my first child. But Isla was the forerunner on the list of names my husband agreed to & when all was said and done, it is what we went with! Isla is of Scottish origin. It references a river in Scotland, as well as a Scottish island called Islay. Isla also means island in Spanish. Her middle name is June, after my great-grandma and the month Isla was born. When we found out we were having a boy for #2, I knew I was drawn to Scottish names, so I started there. I also liked that Isla’s name had a tie to water, as my own name (Chelsie) does too. So I thought it would be cool if my son’s name would tie to water as well. My husband got on board with the name Lachlan, meaning “from the land of lakes.” Which is also what the Scottish called the Vikings invaders in Scotland. We are #MNVikings football fans. Lachlan’s middle name is Leon after my husbands great-grandpa. (I also like alliteration.) So clearly I had a pattern now of 2 syllable, Scottish, water meaning names that I needed to stick to. Since Maisie was a surprise gender… we had 2 names picked out for if it was a girl or boy, though Maisie was our girl frontrunner. We stuck with our guns once she was born. Maisie is the Scottish diminutive/nickname of Margaret, meaning pearl. Obviously pearls have a home in water. So my names have all been perfect so far (in my mind & opinion for my kids). But I’m backed into a little corner here now needing to find yet another girl’s name that is Scottish, has a tie to water, and is 2 syllables. A post in the future may come asking if anyone has any name recommendations that fit those criteria! I’ve been feeling kind of sad this week. A feeling I just can’t shake. No specific reason. No big trigger. Just feeling off and bummin’. I’m really missing Maisie. And then the complicated emotions and thoughts swirl from there.
I start to feel guilty for being pregnant again. Even though initially after Maisie was born, the one hope I clung to was getting pregnant again ASAP - because I really want a baby. I want to complete my family. I don’t want a large age gap for my children, which is already larger than it could or should have been. Don’t get me wrong - I am glad I am expecting. But then in a way it feels dishonorable to Maisie. And then I feel I’m dishonoring my current baby girl. Because I’m wishing I had Maisie, and then in turn I wouldn’t have this baby #4. I mean, I guess I could tie it up in a bow and say how I just want them both. But it seems more complicated with that. And it’s just unfair and not right to have to manage this push and pull. And then I am meeting new people as fall activities resume… and I am telling them how many kids I have. And I’ve got it down pretty good. “This is Isla - she is 5. This is Lachlan, he’s over 2.5. My daughter Maisie was born still last December, so she’s in heaven. And now I’m expecting another baby girl in January.” But I kind of don’t want to say that last part. It seems like this baby is a cherry on top, or a happy ending to a sad story when I follow up that Maisie’s dead, but I’m pregnant again. So things feel tough right now. Complicated emotions I didn’t imagine would come in up PAL (PAS). But here they are, and I am working through them. Though life seems like a whirlwind right now. And I feel like I’m waiting for the next thing, but now I don’t know if there ever is going to be a next thing. When this baby is born, then what kind of emotions and sadness am I going to deal with in loving her - yet missing Maisie. The grief whirlwind doesn’t seem like it will end. Back to the days following.
Back to the weeks following. Sometimes... I just want to go back. Of course I'd also want to go back to my time with Maisie. Back to being pregnant with Maisie. Back to spending time with Maisie in the hospital. But, today I was mostly thinking I want to go back to the grief that immediately followed. I want to be back where it was so shocking, so real, so raw, so unbelievable, so emotional, so sucky. I want to be right back in the worst. Why... I'm not sure? Weird... maybe/definitely? But that's where I am today. Wanting to go back. Wanting to feel the intensity of what came after the death of my child. Not because it was great - obviously, it was the opposite. But because I just want to feel that intense strength of the pain again. This photo was taken about a year ago, plus a few days (Sept 3, 2020). I was starting to see my 16w bump with Maisie! (It’s one of like 4 pix I have of my Maisie bump, because she was my 3rd child & I didn’t think bump photos were very exciting after my first pregnancy). Anyway, now in my current pregnancy I’m about 6 weeks ahead of where I was last year... but let me tell you... it’s still been really hard being pregnant essentially through the same seasons. And I think I’ve noticed a little trend in myself this year. I am avoiding doing things again that I did last year. Go up north for Labor Day Weekend with friends? No thanks, I already did that pregnant last year. Go to our friends hog roast camp out in August? Meh, I did that pregnant last year. Play Fantasty Football with my husband in his work league? I’m burnt out, count me out this year. And if I sit back and really think about it, I feel my heart is trying to do a little protection game. It would be hard for me to make these memories again this year, knowing that my memories of these events last year included being pregnant with Maisie. And being pregnant again through the same events feels honestly a bit like a betrayal.
Just a normal conversation with my 5yo daughter as we drove past Maisie’s gravesite today. Of course I popped out of the car to brush off her headstone and be closer. And as we drove off and said, “Bye Maisie - we love you!” Isla followed it up with, “Mama, I love Maisie as big as a city!” So cute.
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AuthorMother. Jesus Lover. Mourner of my stillborn Maisie Martha Ofsthun. Archives
October 2021
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