I hold on tight to my pictures of Maisie… I’m slow to release them because eventually I am going to run out. There are only a finite amount. I don’t get anymore. I am scared to reach that point where I’ve shared all that I have and there is no more. But at the same time, I want to see you still in my feed with all your sweetness!
Miss you baby girl. A little extra this Mother’s Day weekend.
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I finished up reading the book Outlander last week. If you are unfamiliar, the premise is a women gets transported through time from the early 1900s to the early 1700s in Scotland. Over the course of several pages… I struggled through reading several reference to stillborns. I took screenshots (yes - I read on my phone) of the pages that hit me. Swipe to see.
Here were my corresponding thoughts as I read, with my new lens of a mother of stillbirth. #1 - I thought this was actually a pretty good way to put things. This could be how I answer the scary question, “How many children do you have?” I just wish I had the cool Scottish accent to go with it. “I bore 3, ye ken. And am raising 2.” -Chelsie’s version .Thus why I took a screenshot - to remember for later. #2 - Then I got to this next screenshot mere pages later. Here we have a straight up reference to stillbirth. To me, before I experienced my stillbirth, I definitely thought stillbirths were only something that happened back in the day… take the Scotland Highlands in the 1700s for example. Just like this book. And woof… the grief they knew could come with it. Grief so true and believable in this instance it was used as a cover up to fool some redcoats in a dire situation. #3 - Seems like the women of the 1700s were better versed than I was on the importance of movement and that in fact when movement ceases there is causes for concern. (I knew in a way to pay attention, but I really had no clue WHY… I didn’t think babies died out of the blue.) So there is my commentary. The end. Isla & I went to the dentist yesterday. As my teeth were being cleaned, the hygienist asked me “Are you going to have any more kids?” I only had a second to answer... I mean I can’t really have a full conversation when tools & fingers are poking around in my mouth. So all I could quickly utter was, “Yes, we will have more.” And then my heart started beating faster, and my chest squeezed tight, and my smile around my eyes disappeared... she kept talking, but I drifted away. I didn’t mean to say that. What I should have said was we DID have another. We DO have another. I have 3 kids... but one you can’t see. I often grapple with what my “elevator pitch” will be when I get the question, “How many kids do you have?” or, “Are you going to have more?” so that I can concisely include ALL my children in my answer without fumbling to find the right words. Of course this wasn’t my perfect chance to practice because my teeth were in the midst of being cleaned... but such a seemingly simple question in life now holds SO much weight. At the same time I am also so convinced that what I said will hold true... we WILL have more. Not we hope, not if, or all that (which of course is true too). But I was proud looking back to be so sure to just say we will. Simply, we will.
I hide from my grief by staying busy. Job titles include: Mother of 2 (wait, no, 3), Household Manager/Cleaner/Cook, Center Director/Teacher for Music Together MinnyMelody, etc. I keep busy. Especially when Monday morning rolls around and I kick the household back into gear after a weekend “off.” Breakfast, dishes, clean up the kitchen, shower, clean up my bedroom, start laundry, make lunch, eat lunch, lesson plan for my spring semester of music class, get my instruments together, switch laundry… and then after all that is completed I finally pause for the day. I stop. And I get stuck. And the grief hits me. “No, no, no… what else can I do to stay busy?!” But I can’t find the next thing to do because my body is so overwhelmed feeling the loss again. I freeze up. So then I look at a keepsake for Maisie… today, her funeral bulletin. And then the tears finally flow. But I am hiding across the house, trying to be quiet, so that my kids don’t see me break down.
At first I stayed super busy right after we lost Maisie. There was SO much to do. So, so, so much business, paperwork, updating people, responding to people, funeral planning, all while recovering from BIRTH! I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off… people who saw me or talked to me may have been thinking in the back of their mind, “Is Chelsie OK? She seems too OK for just having given birth to a dead baby.” Nope, I was definitely NOT OK. But being busy at that time felt like the only way I could “mother” Maisie. Anything I could do for my little baby was me just being her mother, taking care of her, taking care of her memory and legacy. Sit down and write her obituary to send to our funeral director. Got it! Oh, Pastor, you need this information from me for the funeral. Let me get it for you in 2 seconds. No, I don’t want your help taking down her table set up at the funeral… I just want to do it myself. On and on and on. And now, there is less and less to do to stay busy with Maisie specific stuff. I still definitely have items on my Maisie To Do list. And I still search for ways to remain busy. I honestly don’t think I’ve fully ever had a relaxing moment since she’s been gone. Even though I think I’ve done some “relaxing” things technically… I can guarantee you my mind was still buzzing like a busy bee. My life in general does keep me busy. (Remember all those job titles I listed above?) So I can’t help but to keep noticing, after a day or a morning of staying busy, I find myself in an odd, strange, bizarre mood once I wrap up my to do’s. And I’m pretty sure that icky feeling is the grief coming and smacking me back into the reality that is now my life. #maisiemarthaofsthun #stillbirth #stillbirthbreakthesilence #stillborn #stillbornstillloved #stillbirthawareness #stillbornawareness #stillamama #stillbirthsupport #pregnancyloss #umbilicalcordaccident #stillbornbutstillborn #bornstill Did you know in Minnesota you can get a $2,000 credit if you have a stillbirth for that tax year. Yup. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy to be able to get a tax credit for this sucky situation. I knew to expect this because my nurse told me about it in the hospital. We would have to make sure we got our "Certificate of Birth Resulting in a Stillbirth" to claim this on our taxes. So as I got further and further in the process of filing my taxes with TurboTax, I knew this would be coming. And I started getting anxiety as I awaited this question to come. Then BOOM. There it was. A question I never thought I'd have to answer yes to in a million years.
I've seen this question in past years. I always thought, man - that is sad. But basically clicked no. I did not have a stillborn child. I think I may have even had the thought... "Does this happen frequently enough to warrant a question on taxes in regards to it? And why does it matter?" Well, now I know. And you know what TurboTax - I am disappointed in your platform in regards to this question. You've found ways to say quirky things throughout the filing process. Could someone not put a SORRY somewhere on this page? "Oh my, sorry you lost your sweet, little, precious, innocent baby." Nope - just business here. But this might be one thing Minnesota does right - offer this credit to families who have a stillborn child. Because the child you would have been claiming as a dependent for 18 years is now no longer here... So thanks for helping to offset some of our medical and funeral expenses. On our way home from @mtminnymelody classes on Friday, we drive by #maisiemarthaofsthun. I pull over to the side of the road and jump out to go up to her grave. I keep the kids in the car (since it’s cold and snowy here in MN), but #islajuneofsthun usually asks me to roll down the window so she can see too. Today I asked Isla if she wanted to say anything to Maisie. She yelled out the window, “I’m sorry that you died, Maisie!” It made me smile, but it also almost made me cry. #sisters#stillbirth #stillborn #graveside#stillborn #stillbornstillloved#sisterlylove
~~~~~~~~ Smiling because I got good news today. My hemoglobin AND thyroid levels are in the normal range!! One was low & one was high (respectively) in my blood work taken at the hospital when we were delivering Maisie. So no supplements or needed medication going forward. And again neither of these were anything related to the stillbirth. Just something my midwife wanted to further look into to make sure things are looking good in case another pregnancy is in the near future.
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AuthorMother. Jesus Lover. Mourner of my stillborn Maisie Martha Ofsthun. Archives
October 2021
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