You know, I really, really missed the chance to be in person this year at BSF. To exchange smiles in the hallways, talk with friends from previous years, to see my children rejoin their teachers in the Children’s Program and make new friends. If we would have been together this year you may have seen me walking down the hall with two kids in tow and another on the way. We may have sparked up a conversation like - “oh, when are you due?” To which I would have replied, “February.” Or, "is it a boy or a girl.” “I don’t know it’s a surprise!”
And then we would have come back from our Christmas break and you would have seen me again with two kids in tow… but my pregnant belly gone, and no baby in my arms. You may have asked then, “Oh did you have your baby.” And I would have said, “Yes, but we didn’t get to take her home… she was born into the arms of Jesus before we got to hold her first. Just two months too soon, a perfectly healthy baby and pregnancy. A perfectly tragic umbilical cord accident that took her life.” God didn’t created us to die - this is one of the first things we learned in our study of Genesis this year. Death entered our lives as a result of sin, but God was merciful enough to have a plan established to save us from this sin and not separate us from Him forever. So while I think I am a pretty good mother… God provides me comfort knowing that my Maisie is with the ultimate and best Father. As we learned again and again in our study this year, God has a plan. God is omnipresent and with us always. God can pull the good from the bad. God’s plan will ultimately prevail even if it maybe has us following a more difficult path… that path might be unexpected, that path might be painful, that path might make you question “God, I know you could, so why didn’t you?” Many plans are in a person's heart, but the Lord's decree will prevail. Proverbs 19:21 Couldn’t you just have helped Sarah get pregnant a little sooner? Couldn’t you have let Jacob just have Rachel first? Couldn’t you have made Joseph’s path to Egypt a little easier? Couldn’t you have intervened and made my baby Maisie live? But despite having found myself asking that question… I have been in awe of how God has provided for me during this ultimate loss of a child. I mean, after all, can’t God relate with those of us who have lost a child? Because did we not also see many time in this study how God is personal, God hears our prayers, and God answers them. God may not have answered exactly my prayer for my baby to be born healthy and strong. But what God did is answer every prayer from then on out after we learned Maisie had passed. God protected me. God allowed me to deliver the natural way, prevented me from a painful and dangerous surgery with a hefty recovery time. God performed miracles for me... because given my history there was no guarantee the process of delivery would be without trials. And God still provides me all my strength and peace moving forward. His love is real. His love is strong. His love is the reason I can continue to go on. Because losing my daughter has seemingly destroyed me, yet I am not destroyed. This experience of stillbirth has shattered my hope that healthy babies are born alive, yet I am hopeful and confident that I will still have another child. And even though I was too proud to pray for help - God surrounded me with strong Christian people who did. Who brought me food, gave me gifts, listened to my cry, heard my story, and continue to be there for me. Because “if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it.” 1 Corinth 12:26 So… Let me tell you, God is pulling good out of Maisie’s death, even though she never took a breath here on earth. Because "we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:23 God is giving me favor with other women who have lost a child. God has given me a bit of a platform to share my faith. God is connecting me with other women who are living this life after loss. And all sorts of other good things are being created in memory of Maisie. What a powerful God. I’m sad I didn’t get to share Maisie’s short life with more people in passing. So if we all get to be together next year, and you see me walking down the hallway two kids in tow… hopefully, maybe, God willing, another on the way - don’t be afraid to say hi, don’t be afraid to ask questions, and don’t be afraid to say Maisie’s name to me because I LOVE to hear it.
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As we wrapped up our study of Genesis in BSF this morning, something that stood out to me is that God will bless you if you keep faith in Him. This especially stood out in the case of Joseph’s life, which is recorded throughout the last chapters of Genesis.
His brothers want to kill him… he gets sold to be a slave instead. He works as a slave… but found favor and was placed in charge of the whole household. He gets thrown into jail… but becomes the person in command of all the prisoners. Whilst in prison for a crime he didn’t commit… he deciphers a dream for one of pharaoh’s staff. Gets forgotten for his correct dream interpretation… but then is remembered when Pharaoh is in need of a dream interpreter. Through all of this, Joseph remained faithful to God and gives the credit for his prosperity to Him. God blessed Joseph, helped him to prosper, and had a plan for Joseph through the hardship. Ultimately, God’s will will always prevail. Even if there are some bumps along the way due to the sin that rules this world. So I want to encourage you to draw near to Him in your current time of hardship. Lean on Him as you mourn the death of your child. God’s own son died. He can relate. God knows our sadness. He is sad with us. But He has established the ultimate gift for us of everlasting life. Our babies are in heaven without worry, fear, pain, or sin. And while we are here on earth, waiting to get back to our babies in heaven… God will bless us, if we keep faith in Him. As I reflect back on this Easter, I realize this was the first holiday Maisie truly missed out on. Yes, she was gone last Christmas, but at that point I was still so numb and the hurt was still so raw.... and she was still supposed to be in the womb. She wasn’t with us at Valentines Day, but to me this is just a Hallmark holiday & Maisie was supposed to arrive four days after Valentine’s Day. So now here we were this Easter, the first holiday she would’ve truly celebrated in our arms. And my arms were left aching for her.
As I got dressed that morning I put back on my cross ✝️ necklace with tiny pearls (Maisie’s name means pearl), of course I have my ring, and I also chose to put in earrings a neighbor gave me that represent babies gone too soon. I couldn’t bring Maisie with me to the celebration of Jesus’ resurrection, but I tried to keep her memory near. Though none of that was nearly enough. In hindsight too, I feel I should have brought my Maisie bear along with us for the day. I should have got a picture with the bear and the kids too! I could have held the bear in this pic with my kids. Why isn’t Maisie in this picture of me with my children? Not even just the bear representation... but actually my child. I wish I was holding my baby in this picture too. I should have been holding Maisie here. 💕 “Hosanna to the Son of David! Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord! Hosanna in the highest heaven!” Happy Palm Sunday! 🌿 We brought our palm branches from church this morning to share with Maisie too. “You have prepared praise from the mouths of infants and nursing babies.”
I hope all my fellow mama’s who have lost their baby have been able to see & feel the blessings from your community around you. Whether that is family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, etc. I can’t tell you how thankful I am for each & every person that has stepped up to do something, help, give a gift, or just sit down to talk with me about Maisie. I hope to highlight some of these treasured times as I go forward documenting this walk… because much of it occurred before or as I started blogging/social media. So I have some catching up to do. But I wanted to start with yesterday.
My #BSF Group Leader from 3 years ago asked to come over with some cookies (which are seriously some of the best) & a little gift. Mama Beth is the sweetest soul. The last time she was at my house was when she brought us a meal after Lachlan was born & she stayed to visit & meet our new little buddy. I was looking forward to seeing her, since BSF hasn’t been in person this year, our paths haven’t crossed in a while. So she came over & I was so happy she asked to come in for a bit, because I figured she would want to (so did I) & that is what I planned for! It was great to just sit on the couch & catch up on each others lives… we chatted about her daughter recently getting engaged & all the fun that comes along with that chapter of life. And of course I got to talk about Maisie. As she left she told me how she could already tell I was using Maisie’s life as a ministry. Ah, what a wonderful comment to receive. And, actually, what a good word! I am partial to anything M so I can alliterate with Maisie. And that was a word that hadn’t come to mind, but does accurately describe one of the byproducts of Maisie & how God is using this for good through me. Wow, I never thought I was cool enough for God to use me. And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:23 #maisiemarthaofsthun #stillbirth #stillbirthbreakthesilence #stillborn #stillbornstillloved #stillbirthawareness #stillbornawareness #stillamama #stillbirthsupport #pregnancyloss #umbilicalcordaccident #stillbornbutstillborn #bornstill #lifeafterstillbirth I took a lot of notes at the IF: Gathering I attended this last weekend. I was just reviewing them to see some of the takeaways I had. One takeaway was this… God is giving me favor with those who have lost a baby. How did I come to this conclusion? A speaker named Linda was talking about making disciples and she asked the question, “Who has God given you favor with?” Well, this answer clearly came to my mind. I have a connection now with all women who have had to walk the path of stillbirth. Maybe even a connection to those who have lost a child. Definitely with anyone who has experienced pregnancy loss. So this gives me hope for a plan and goal I have moving forward regarding stillbirth awareness and in turn how God has guided me through my grieving. I am so excited and hopeful. I have been prayerful to ask God, “God... if this idea is just from me - close the door. But God, if it's from you - continue to open the doors as I walk down this path.” So far, I haven’t heard any doors slam yet.
I got really excited last week. I thought “What if I am one of the lucky ones who gets to have a baby in heaven?!” Don’t worry - I will share little Maisie with anyone who needs a little baby fix in heaven. Can’t wait to see you in heaven Maisie!! (And maybe my 3 other 7 week old babies too?!)
"Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord" (1 Thess. 4:17). hard and painful circumstances in the lives of His people?
This was the final question of my BSF discussion this morning. I actually didn't even write out an answer for it ahead of time. But I realized this and shared in our discussion. "Maybe part of the reason God allows these hard and painful circumstances is because then we get to really feel God's love. Because wow, I wouldn't be getting through this without the love of God. How amazing and strong is His love that He can do this. Sure, we keep God close at heart when the going is good. But man, you can really feel how strong His love is when the going is tough." And let me be clear... in no way do I believe God made this horrible thing happen. God didn’t want this to happen. God didn’t make this happen. Death was never part of His original plan, and He will swallow up death in the end. God may not have intervened to save Maisie. God may not have answered exactly my prayer for my baby to be born healthy and strong. But what God did is answer every prayer from then on out after we learned Maisie had passed. God protected me. God allowed me to deliver vaginally, prevented me from a painful and dangerous surgery with a hefty recovery time. God helped my eventual epidural relieve all of my pain and didn’t allow it to wear off. God even answered my prayer for my placenta to be delivered right before the last (more invasive) intervention was about to take place. God performed miracles for me... because given my history there was no guarantee the process of delivery would be without trials. And God still provides me all my strength and peace moving forward. His love is real. His love is strong. His love is the reason I can continue to go on. And God's will be done. |
AuthorMother. Jesus Lover. Mourner of my stillborn Maisie Martha Ofsthun. Archives
October 2021
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