On our way home from @mtminnymelody classes on Friday, we drive by #maisiemarthaofsthun. I pull over to the side of the road and jump out to go up to her grave. I keep the kids in the car (since it’s cold and snowy here in MN), but #islajuneofsthun usually asks me to roll down the window so she can see too. Today I asked Isla if she wanted to say anything to Maisie. She yelled out the window, “I’m sorry that you died, Maisie!” It made me smile, but it also almost made me cry. #sisters#stillbirth #stillborn #graveside#stillborn #stillbornstillloved#sisterlylove
~~~~~~~~ Smiling because I got good news today. My hemoglobin AND thyroid levels are in the normal range!! One was low & one was high (respectively) in my blood work taken at the hospital when we were delivering Maisie. So no supplements or needed medication going forward. And again neither of these were anything related to the stillbirth. Just something my midwife wanted to further look into to make sure things are looking good in case another pregnancy is in the near future.
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I got really excited last week. I thought “What if I am one of the lucky ones who gets to have a baby in heaven?!” Don’t worry - I will share little Maisie with anyone who needs a little baby fix in heaven. Can’t wait to see you in heaven Maisie!! (And maybe my 3 other 7 week old babies too?!)
"Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord" (1 Thess. 4:17). Monday was 6 weeks. Today was my 6 week follow up appointment with my midwife. I was looking forward to this appointment because it was something related to Maisie. And I miss her. I was excited to be with my midwife who delivered Maisie, because she was one of the few other people there in the moment. But I was also nervous that I would have a bit of a nervous breakdown there. And I knew there wouldn’t be a way to avoid some tears. Well I was right on all counts. I was happy and sad to be there. There were tears because this is not the kind of appointment I wanted to be there for. My body had a visceral negative & scared response. My eyes welled up, my chest ached, my heart beat faster, & the nurse even told me I had an elevated blood pressure. All things I literally couldn’t control. But this appointment gave me some final closure on Maisie’s birth story. I was able to hug the women who delivered Maisie (Katelyn) and see tears in her eyes she answered my question, “Is it normal to be crying at this appointment?” “Absolutely,” she said (among other things of course). Then we got to discuss some of the tests they ran. There were no surprises. Every test they ran to look for issues that can relate to stillbirth were normal. My levels for things such as blood clotting disorders to lupus were all normal. Placenta was normal size. Umbilical cord attachment was in the right place. The umbilical cord had the 3 vessels, it was the right length - it was a normal umbilical cord. But it had a markedly twisted appearance. Anything above 3 twists in an umbilical cord is abnormal. Maisie had over TEN twists at her belly button where it occluded. This was the one and only cause of death. Katelyn has looked back at my 20wk ultrasound info too and baby was the right size in all categories. She was the right size when I was measured at my 28wk appointment. Her death wasn’t a long drawn out process. It was a sudden instance, a final twist, likely a quick ordeal. 😢 I will note I did have a slightly elevated thyroid along with low hemoglobin - but neither of those played a role in what happened. However we are looking into those a bit more to help with things moving forward. Also there was a little infection found when they swabbed Maisie & the placenta, but it was from a natural bacteria we have in our bodies that would normally be found a few days after a death. As I’ve said before. Maisie had an accident. An unimaginable accident in the place we thought she was safest. While this is so incredibly beyond sad... it also gives our family hope for the future. We can have another successful pregnancy and healthy baby. Nothing that happened here has any indication or greater likelihood of happening again. Everything was perfect. And we lost our perfect baby girl. #stillbirth #stillbirthbreakthesilence #stillborn #stillbornstillloved #stillbornawareness #stillamama #stillbirthsupport #pregnancyloss hard and painful circumstances in the lives of His people?
This was the final question of my BSF discussion this morning. I actually didn't even write out an answer for it ahead of time. But I realized this and shared in our discussion. "Maybe part of the reason God allows these hard and painful circumstances is because then we get to really feel God's love. Because wow, I wouldn't be getting through this without the love of God. How amazing and strong is His love that He can do this. Sure, we keep God close at heart when the going is good. But man, you can really feel how strong His love is when the going is tough." And let me be clear... in no way do I believe God made this horrible thing happen. God didn’t want this to happen. God didn’t make this happen. Death was never part of His original plan, and He will swallow up death in the end. God may not have intervened to save Maisie. God may not have answered exactly my prayer for my baby to be born healthy and strong. But what God did is answer every prayer from then on out after we learned Maisie had passed. God protected me. God allowed me to deliver vaginally, prevented me from a painful and dangerous surgery with a hefty recovery time. God helped my eventual epidural relieve all of my pain and didn’t allow it to wear off. God even answered my prayer for my placenta to be delivered right before the last (more invasive) intervention was about to take place. God performed miracles for me... because given my history there was no guarantee the process of delivery would be without trials. And God still provides me all my strength and peace moving forward. His love is real. His love is strong. His love is the reason I can continue to go on. And God's will be done. Having had to play catch up last week, as we were at the one month marker of the events that transpired in December, I haven't been able to post some of the thoughts I've been having going forward. So now everything feels a bit discombobulated as I'm writing because I have several posts written out on my notes app in my phone that I journaled weeks ago, but haven't got around to posting. We will get aligned here shortly!
Also, I have found myself amazed by how many people have actually read the things I've wrote here. From friends, to daughters of friends, to long lost aquaintences, and to new connections. Thank you, thank you, thank you. It feels good that people will remember Maisie along with me. Also, a women who I've connected with said this, "It's sad that we are all going through this. But the more we talk about it to others and educate them, the better it will hopefully be for future parents that have to go through this if people are mindful of what is really happening and the terminology." Which also has me thinking maybe I need to link this blog up to Instagram or something because I don't think people follow blogs as easily as social media accounts. So that might be a new project to get aligned here as well! #maisiemarthaofsthun
I’m very conscious of the fact that I don’t want to cause grief to people on social media. I don’t want to be “unfollowed” because my story is sad. When I share I hope you don’t feel burdened. I want to share a picture of Maisie every day because she’s my baby & I think about her almost constantly still. It would be okay if she was my newborn here to stay & grow. But death changes things. It’s sad. It sucks. You might not want to see or think about it. And it’s completely backwards that Maisie died “really quickly” as Isla put it one day. Her story is backwards, or fast-forward, or perfect since she got a straight shot to heaven. But allow me just a few more months to share our story. To share the few moments we had with our newborn. It won’t be forever. But it is my now and I only have so little to share because Maisie is frozen in a moment and there is nothing more to capture. I want to share to open the door for people to talk to me about this, I want to share for those who may have some questions about our story, I want to share my child - just like I share my Isla & Lachlan. #maisiemarthaofsthun
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AuthorMother. Jesus Lover. Mourner of my stillborn Maisie Martha Ofsthun. Archives
October 2021
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