This is PAS (pregnancy after stillbirth).
I wake up every morning and say to myself, “I hope I didn’t kill my baby while sleeping last night.” or "I hope my baby didn't die overnight." or "I hope I don't end up on my back sleeping for too long..." I have a fear of how I am sleeping since I know most stillbirths happen at night and sometimes I end up on my back which is dangerous too. It is exhausting... to wake up and wait, wait, wait for your baby to kick so you know she is still alive. And then she does... and it's all OK. But it's not fun needing to wait around thinking, "I hope you are OK baby. I hope you are alive."
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I hope Maisie is still a baby in heaven. So I get to be one of the lucky ones with a baby for all eternity. Or maybe she will grow up before my eyes in heaven.
I know we really have no clue or way of conceptualizing how our age will be represented in heaven. But I can't help but to hope... that I still get to hold my baby in heaven. Last week we got some pretty exciting news… I had my 2nd trimester big anatomy scan at the special MFM doctor. Everything looks wonderful, which is of course the most important & exciting news. But we also found out gender. Drumroll please! 🥁 🥁 🥁
IT’S A GIRL! 💝🌸🎀 I am not going to lie, I REALLY wanted a girl. I have never honestly cared either way on my kids genders. I think I wanted Isla to be a boy, but was so happy to have a firstborn daughter. I wanted Lachlan to be a girl because I already had a girl & knew how to do girl, but was so happy to add a son to the mix. But this time around, I was really feeling like I was supposed to have a girl. Maisie was supposed to be here… and her being a girl made me realize deep down I was longing for another girl ever since we found out we were pregnant with her (and kept her gender a delivery room surprise). And then to lose her… 😢 I just really needed this to be a girl. I continue to be in complete awe of God in everything that’s happened since Maisie. I told Ryan last week after finding out it was a girl, “I think God was really sad with us about Maisie. And He has done everything in His power to answer our prayers so perfectly after Maisie died. From being able to give birth to her without complication… to falling pregnant basically as quickly as we possibly could… to not miscarrying… & the cherry on top… He heard my prayers & gave us another sweet girl.” Now I will continue to pray for us to get to take home a healthy strong girl to join our family - & I am confident He will provide. God felt so close after Maisie died. I really felt His arm around my shoulder and His tender love and care and comfort in my mourning. And now to continue His awesomeness - He gave us our heart’s desires. I finally got to see this bracelet set my MIL ordered from @zoefaithinc when Maisie was being honored in The Carried Project. I love what she put together... the same set (different color) that Jen gifted me through her Bracelets of Hope mission. What is MEMA you may ask? That is the name my kids have deemed fit for Ryan's mom. I am mama, my mom is Mimi, and Ryan's mom is Mema. So special that my MIL picked this word and Maisie's name to include in her bracelet set.
I feel like I haven't been able to keep up lately (especially here in this Instagram world for us mama's). It's a busy time of year!
Between being a full time #SAHM, getting things ready for my small business that resumes in the school year, getting ready to #homeschool my oldest for our first year of Kindergarten, possibly lining up another little side-gig, AND, not to mention, being pregnant after stillbirth... it can be hard to balance it all. I almost thought maybe I've been neglecting Maisie... but as I reflect back on my busy past week I realize that's not true. I think of her just as much as usual, Maisie is still present in most all my thoughts and moments. I still stopped by her grave on the way to a playdate with another dead baby mama, I still got to talk about her over coffee with a new homeschool mom friend, I still got to mention Maisie to our mentor for schooling. (I still got to hear the words "fetal demise" at the MFM doctor.😒) So while at first I was tempted to feel I haven't found time for my grief in this period of life... I realized it is still very much present and I don't ever have to worry about (even in my busiest times) Maisie ever being too far from my mind. My thought of the day...
I make a photo book each year for my kids to highlight & display the pictures of their first year, second year, & so on. My kids like to pull them out to look at them and I was just sitting with Lachlan looking at his baby one. And it is really still so dang hard for me to see pictures of Isla and Lachlan as newborns. It makes me sad. It makes me sad I don't have any pictures like this of Maisie. It makes me sad that Maisie wasn't alive as a newborn. So I typically just avoid the newborn pix and memories. But every so often I am confronted with them and at this point in my life, it just breaks my heart. And it breaks my heart again that it is hard for me to see pictures of my beautiful living children when they were born. Not the best exchange with my husband, but not the worst either.
I was showing him something last night and asked if I could get it. It was something "for" Maisie. He said, "Don't you have enough stuff?" "I will never have enough." I said back blankly. How could I ever have enough for Maisie? I don't get to buy her anything for her life... food, soap, clothes, toys, etc. The few keepsakes and memories here and there is nowhere near sufficient. But we have to make do... And to be honest... I don't have that much stuff as this conversation would allude to. And 95% of what we have has been things that have been gifted. But boys and girls are different. Men and women are different. Husbands and wives are different. Fathers and mothers are different. And this exchange just captured one of the moments where we were different in how we approach life after Maisie. Getting pregnant again 4mos postpartum is no joke. Especially when it is stillbirth postpartum. (Is that the correct way to describe it?)
My mom snapped this photo of me last weekend just after I turned 16wks... I'm bumping wayyy earlier than all my previous pregnancies, which took until about 20wks to have a noticiable baby bump. Yes, this is my 4th pregnancy too, but knowing me and my body, I think it's more the fact that I only had 4 months of recovery (in which I was mourning). Don't get me wrong, I'm loving having a bump to announce to the world that I AM PREGNANT. While simultaneously hoping and dreading this pronounced bump will bring me a question that allows me to talk about Maisie. Mostly hoping though, since I want to share Maisie with everyone and raise awareness of stillbirth at the same time. Also, aside from the bump... I feel I have had no respite. I was pregnant for 7 weeks April/May 2020 and then miscarried. I got pregnant again 2 weeks after with Maisie and was pregnant with her from June-December 2020. Then she died and I basically cried for the next 4 months and got pregnant again in April 2021. Like for realllll... I'm beat, I'm exhausted, I'm frustrated, I'm confused, I'm a little angry... I'm pissed I have to deal with lockdown scares, things not making sense, and freedoms infringed upon.The world has been falling apart for over a year and I've been pregnant basically this whole time!! It is a lot and I have been feeling very overwhelmed. I thank God for the peace He has blessed me with, but still... I am only human. |
AuthorMother. Jesus Lover. Mourner of my stillborn Maisie Martha Ofsthun. Archives
October 2021
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